I (F) am married for 1 year (simple rom), but for the past one year we have been staying apart as we have just received the bto keys earlier this year and settling renovation stuffs.
I am feeling very alone in this marriage and I don’t know how to go on as it feels like there’s almost no love , no affection, no care and concern and no appreciation from him.
He’s a workaholic and his priority is work , I noticed that whenever his colleagues text him while I’m with him he replies immediately, while for me , the wife, I often have to wait for days for his reply.
He finds that it is not an issue going MIA for a week and if I don’t text him he doesn’t text me. I feel that there’s a serious communication issue here or rather an almost one sided communication on my side with almost no communication on his side.
I started being unhappy and disappointed with our communication during the house keys collection. At that time, even though it is his choice to retain the 20k cpf, it wasn’t communicated by him prior despite all my prior communication with him on housing installments were based on if we wipe out each of our cpf.
As I didn’t have any intention to retain cpf prior , at the moment it feels to me he don’t care about me to share prior why/ how it may be useful to retain some amount.
I feel disappointed when at the moment I thought I should retain some amount too after hearing that he’s retaining, he pointed out that loan amount / cash amount for me will increase if I retain, when it already increased when he retains. (He has a higher pay than me but we are paying for housing loan 50/50.)
I think it was supposedly not a big issue because whatever cpf u put in will be returned back when we sell the house, but at that point he found it unfair to be paying more cpf than me. For this issue we have talked and he explained that as he was busy with work at that time so he wasnt thinking properly at that point.
Subsequently , I was mainly the one settling house stuffs, coordinating for all the contractors, payment and furnishings as we do not have an ID.
I felt that my resentment has built up a bit during the process as sometimes even though he knows that the contractors will be there early to fix things/ deliveryman will be there early to deliver things it feels like he assumes that I will be there early to open the door/ sign off documents/ receive the stocks while he sleeps in at his parents house on the weekend and only come over later.
Some days feels like I am facing the issues alone. I noticed that there’s a general lack of proactiveness towards the house unlike his attitude towards his job which he will always go above and beyond and which he excels at.
I feel that he always states he is busy/tired but fails to realise that I am busy/tired too, always having to wait for him and there’s a general lack of appreciation from him and I feel like being taken for granted.
I told him that as much as we need to hustle when we are younger we must not forget to spend time together and love each other and being present and showing affection is important to me.
However, there’s often a lack of response to my messages and I feel like I am ignored very often. I do not benefit from him earning more at all, he doesn’t really spend on me and in general doesn’t spend at all unless it’s essential stuffs.
I earn my own money and things that are mine I bought for myself eg. my study table, mirror , dressing table etc. Instead , him being busy takes time away from the relationship.
It feels like he doesn’t look forward to getting the house settled and house reno wouldn’t have been settled at this point if not for my proactiveness, though he states he don’t understand what’s the rush.
Now that the house Reno is settled, I started moving my things by myself over every weekend but he haven’t been moving much of his stuffs yet (though he has much lesser stuffs than me).
I am thinking communication issues will start getting better once we start staying together but it feels like he is not looking forward to stay with me which is unlike what I feel a couple should be.
What is a marriage when I am alone most of the time. I do share with him my cousins meetup & friends & colleagues meetup and my daily lives but he doesn’t share snippets of his daily lives with me while we are living apart.
I don’t know who he’s meeting and don’t know what he’s doing and to me it just feels a bit distant to not know what’s going on in my spouse’s life. He doesn’t even reply to my messages much and almost never text or call me.
I feel that even normal friends / colleagues would reply messages within 1 day or so but it’s again been 4 days since he’s MIA.
All I wanted was for him to understand what I was feeling but I feel that the saddest part is when I tried explaining to him how I felt he just thought I’m trying to start an argument, because he states ‘ I don’t understand wth is the issue’.
The issue is there’s a lack of/ no communication and how can a relationship/ a marriage continue like this ?