This is the cliche of a younger woman and an older married man.
I am a 30 year old graduate student and met a 45 year old married man online over a year ago. He pursued me. He told me all about his marital woes, how he felt neglected at home and wasn’t getting all his needs met, but was otherwise happy. How his wife had been sick for the last few years and he had played his role as caretaker as expected. How they hadn’t had intercourse for 3 years and he was growing desperate.
He asked me to enter in an affair in exchange for “taking care of me.” He was very financially well-off. I’ve been single for 5 years, kind of lonely, and financially strapped because of school. He wanted me to be his bona-fide sugar baby essentially. I agreed, rationalizing to myself he was the one cheating and it would be NSA. I told myself I was helping him, that it was better me than a random girl off the street. I have friends who do such work so I know that influenced my decision to see it as work. They were the ones to tell me to see it as a job opportunity.
We clicked very well and developed an actual relationship. It became more emotional than anything. He told me that’s the intimacy he wanted and had been lacking.
As anyone who’s ever been in an affair will know, the secretive nature of the relationship will take its mental toll on anyone. The sneaking around, limited communication, paranoia at being seen in public, and having to always be available when he wanted wore me down. Even when I knew he was killing me, I lied to myself about how unhealthy the relationship had gotten. I told myself he was one of my best friends because of our bond and I would tell him everything about my life. On top of it all, I couldn’t leave because I had grown accustomed to his money. I felt trapped. I kept my feelings hidden and never told him how stressed out I was, because that’s exactly what he was paying me for, to not cause drama like a typical girlfriend. He told me I was really helping out his marriage and homelife so I kept telling myself I was helping him out.
Things finally collapsed around 2 weeks ago when we met up one afternoon after the new year, and after he left me alone in the hotel room, I felt a sick feeling in my heart. I drove home and couldn’t shake it off, and in a moment of desperation for relief, I texted him and told him it was over. When I ended it, I felt free for the first time since meeting him.
I spent the next week in full detox and in bed, barely able to breathe. It wasn’t until I ended things that I fully realized how toxic things had been the entire time. He wasn’t my “best friend” like I deluded myself because best friends don’t hide your existence away or compartmentalize you like he did to me.
As I detoxed, my feelings changed to anger. I had let this man rob my peace of mind for over a year, gave up so much of myself at his expense, and now here I was laying in bed barely able to move while he went on with his merry life. I felt so cheated and like I wanted him to know exactly how much he had taken from me.
A week after dumping him, my anger overrode my senses and I sent him an email threatening to message his wife and tell him everything. Naturally he panicked and freaked out at my sudden outburst. In my head I rationalized that his wife deserved to know and she would be grateful towards me. I was inches from hitting the “Send” button until he sent one final email saying “I tried to do my best by you. I don’t think I deserve this from you.” I suddenly snapped out of it and didn’t send anything. Yes he had done a shitty thing but I didn’t think he was scum of the earth either, in his own head I do think he tried to do his best by me with what limited capacity he had. Ruining his life wouldn’t make me feel better, only extend the toxic headspace I was trying to leave. It’s also unlikely nothing would have happened to me either as he knew everything about my life as well.
It’s been a week since then and I’ve been feeling really bad. He has two young kids and his wife is still sick. I’m in disgust at myself that I almost caused irreparable damage to all of them. I didn’t ever think I had in me to be that petty and spiteful and the fact I came so close has me overwhelmed with disgust at myself.
He has since then shut down nearly all his social media accounts, in what I’m sure is fear of me. I feel so ungrateful because he really did keep his end of the deal and amp up my lifestyle while we were together. All my network/sugarbaby friends even told me I had a “good catch.” He set me up in my own condo, paid for my car, paid for my tuition and school expenses, and gave me a generous stipend. I just don’t think because he cheated that it necessarily makes him a terrible person in all stripes and worthy of having his life destroyed.
I know cheaters suck and make their own bed but it’s not as if I’m innocent either. I don’t think telling his wife would have been an honorable act when I willingly slept with her husband for over a year.
My feelings of anger have subsided a lot since, the scary realization of what I almost did snapped me right out of them. Ive actually have compassion for him now and why he made the choices he made. Now I’m just feeling shitty at myself for how things ended and the fact he’s likely looking over his shoulder for me.
Please try to be nice. I know getting involved with a married man was a bad thing to do. Try not to kick the dead horse so much. I’m human too and made a foolish choice. Just like him.