At which point can I just not have anything to do with my family anymore?
At which point can I just not have anything to do with my family anymore (except for my mum)? How important are family ties & filial piety in today’s context?
I’m in my 30s, F, and no longer staying with my parents, I didn’t move out on bad terms and still see my parents once in awhile. However when I do spend time with them, it just leaves a bad taste in the mouth, especially with my father.
We have always had a rocky relationship since I was a teenager and he was mostly the reason I moved out in the first place.
Not staying together has helped not put further strain on the relationship, but I can’t deny nor ignore the remnants of all the past years of toxicity and physical ill treatment (this was when I was much younger) and biasness (he has always shown favoritism to my sister).
Ya, no thanks for daddy issues ha. I have taken a long time to forgive him and to get to where I am today.
I enjoy my life out on my own a lot, I have a wide social circle and enjoy time spent with my friends and boyfriend, choosing to give and receive energy from people with good vibes. But with my own family, it’s just bad vibes I would say 70% of the time.
I feel mentally and emotionally drained each time I spend time with them. I have tried my best to be a filial daughter, bringing my parents out for meals and overseas trips after moving out – my mum has always shown her appreciation and tells me she loves me, but my dad rather speaks to the Grab driver each time I take a ride to pick them up, rather than ask me how I am (after not seeing each other for weeks), for example.
And it’s not that I did not initiate a conversation with him either, but he will just answer with one line and turn back to the Grab driver.
My sister has also moved out and has her own family and kids. We used to be close when we were in school but not as much now with adulting and being on different life paths, which is fine and understandable.
We still text and try to meet over a meal once in awhile but her personality has also vastly changed since becoming a mum.
She gets cranky and angsty easily and gets anal about stuff. I try to be understanding but I feel like because she has kids she expects to be treated like a queen in our family and everything has to revolve around her/ her kids.
Which again, I try to empathise but it’s getting mentally and emotionally tiring. Family gatherings have to suit her/ her kids’ schedule, and I constantly feel that both my parents and myself have to walk on eggshells around her.
I miss her carefree and fun self before she got married/ became a mum, but this is her life choice and I know I can’t expect things to remain the same forever. To be fair she is the more responsible one, handling my parents’ insurance policies etc. and for that I am thankful.
I have made efforts to host my family before at my place for festive occasions such as Chinese New Year or Christmas, or arrange meals outside together. But I’m really tired, and especially when I don’t even tremendously enjoy the time spent together.
So my question really is this, can I choose to just live my own life and not care about my family anymore, except for my mum? I have even thought about cutting ties with my father. I will still definitely bring my mum out or meet her but I really don’t feel like seeing or spending time with my father and not with my sister for now either (but with my sister eventually, perhaps).
Is it because we are Asians so I am feeling conflicted about this? I don’t know, and I also don’t know what I’m hoping to get from this but I know for sure I treasure my mental peace a lot. Is blood thicker than water? am i wrong if I want to protect my peace and sanity and not have anything to do with my family/father anymore?