I (27f) am still afraid of my father (59m) for hitting me as a child. He makes fun of that. How do I sort this out?
My father was raised by an emotionally unavailable man, is now retired but was a very successful workaholic with anger issues, he is emotionally stunted, insecure and childish.
Both him and my mother have zero communication skills and were frankly not up to the task of raising children.
I (now 27f) started being afraid of my father when I was around 12 or 13, my sister and I were now teenagers and my parents did absolutely not know how to deal with us.
We never did anything bad, it was normal teenager stuff (not wanting to do chores, sleeping in etc.). My father started slapping us, shoving us around, kicking us etc.
We were never actually injured afterwards, but it was highly traumatic for me. He encouraged my mother to do the same.
Thirteen years later, I’m still afraid of him when he gets angry. I moved out years ago but I visit them. I’m afraid of men that raise their voices.
I’ve spent time boxing to rid myself of feeling helpless. I have literal nightmares about my father just snapping and hitting me again today, even though he stopped when I was 14.
I’m guessing this stems from the fact that he never showed true remorse or saying it was truly wrong, and the fact that he jokes about it.
When I broke up with my last boyfriend he was throwing things around (including glass bottles), when I told my parents on the phone, my father jokes about. I said it’s not funny.
Can anyone relate to this? What are your experiences? Am I unjustified for feeling this way? Should I speak to my father again about this, seek therapy?