I’ve been criticized for this from my former best friend. My parents as well. And honestly, reasonably so..
I cannot bond with my son.. I just can’t. There’s times here and there where we’ll cuddle and watch a show together. But it’s not often, at all.
Doing basic things that he needs feels like a chore to me. But I will always attend to them, no matter what. No matter how I feel. But a majority of the time? My parents are with him.
And when I tell you that I feel absolute guilt and shame for being this way.. I mean it. There has been nights where I have cried over it.
No matter how hard I try, it just won’t come to me. It’s almost like I wasn’t built to have those maternal instincts. The girl who is no longer my friend still comes and sees my son. I don’t mind that though, she has played a big part in his life.
I feel like a side character in my son’s life, basically. Which I understand. Sometimes I feel like I’m too far gone when it comes to being a parental figure, so I just.. step aside and watch him start to grow from afar.
I’m starting to tear up while typing this out. But again, when I tell you I’ve tried so hard to just, bond with this boy.. it never comes to me.
He’s the sweetest little boy. He doesn’t do anything wrong. He has done nothing for me to feel this way.
His father is a good man. Has a good job. Goes to church every Sunday. He’s amazing with children from what I’ve seen while knowing him over years. He’s got everything set out for him. But my parents are not fond of him at all, not sure why..
I don’t know.. my childhood was pretty rough. I endured a lot of trauma. And just knowing I’m not able to provide my son the best life, and be a better mother to him, crushes me. I wish I could just switch all of it, just press a button. But it’s not that simple.