Looking for some help to make sense of the state of my marriage. My husband (45m) and I (36f) have been married for 9 years, together for 12.
We have two young children. If you had asked me last week how we were, I would have said great. We’re the best we’ve ever been in terms of our relationship, finances, and intimate life.
We own our own home, and he is doing well in his job. We don’t have a ton of stress, we make time for our relationship.
Which is why I was blindsided on Saturday morning when I caught him texting an escort for an dirty massage. This is not the first time he’s done such a thing.
I first caught him going in 2012 before we were married. He swore he only went for the massage and only went for a happy ending twice (yes I realize how ridiculous this sounds as I type it out.).
He started going to therapy for addiction and gambling (which is a whole other story) and they came to the conclusion that he sought out these massages as a way of coping with his stressful job (he’s in finance). And he committed to our relationship and stopped. For a while.
I later caught him again in 2016 calling an escort for a massage. He swore he didn’t go, just that he was looking. He went to therapy again, and we went to couples counseling. And again, it worked. For a while.
Until Saturday. He apologized, but I didn’t see the remorse I would have liked. He immediately started looking for a therapist and had a session. After said session, he revealed that he in fact lied to me in 2016 and did go see an escort for a massage 3-4 times, but swears it’s just for a happy ending.
He told the therapist that he has enough respect for me not to sleep with or receive bjs from them. Whatever that means. He doesn’t see this as cheating the way I see this as cheating.
It’s hard for me to make sense of the need. He said (and this is a direct quote), “I have a wandering eye for other women and this is my way to get around that.” He says he likes sneaking around, he says it feels naughty.
We have a great intimate life. It is better than it’s ever been. I do all the things: I give head, I’m enthusiastic, I enjoy it and in fact I have a higher libido than him. Which is why it’s so confusing. I think I’d be able to make more sense if we weren’t getting it on in bed, or if our relationship wasn’t so good. Why isn’t that enough? Why is he willing to risk it all for a hand job?
I feel stuck. He makes quite a bit more than I do. I don’t want to leave him, but how can we keep going? He says he wants to make it work. He’s been calling more therapists. Has anyone been through something similar?