I had a “ho phase” after I was widowed and I’m ashamed
In November 2021 my husband was killed in a traffic accident when walking home. Obviously, it turned my world upside down. I spent a while avoiding friends, work, men and being outside in general.
But about a year ago I decided to download tinder, I used a fake name and selected the option that hides your profile from people who have your number, as I was, and am terrified of people finding out and judging me.
I ended up matching a guy and I was only planning on talking to him, but he ended up talking me into meeting him for a drinks date. I ended up going home with him.
Since then I’ve done this with several more guys, I’m enjoying myself. But I also feel quite ashamed, I still love my husband and I really miss him.
We were each others first everythings, if he was still here I know I wouldn’t have ever done anything like this. But a part of me really likes it, and it makes me feel gross.
I’ll probably never tell any of my friends about this, the only people who know are my therapist and one of my sisters. I just wanted to get this off my chest though, I hope this wasn’t too long. Thanks for reading my rambles.
Netizens’ comments
- There’s a actually a name for this: widow’s fire. It’s so common that it has a name, society just doesn’t like talking about it!
It is very understandable that after losing your main source of intimacy and affection, at some point your body wants that again, even if your brain knows that you’re not yet ready for any intense commitment. - I’m not a therapist and even if I was I don’t know you and read just 4 paragraphs about you. That said, my guess is that because you lost the love of your life and you, somewhere down deep, decided, “F it. If life is going to rip my love away, I’ll just get my kicks with intercourse.”
- No judgment at all if you want to burn through some randoms to figure out what life means to you again, sitting at home dwelling isnt healthy. Remember your husband as you always will but life goes on.