Putting Parents in a home = unfilial?
I’m currently 46, single and earning about 4k monthly. I have a mother who had stroke about 4 years ago, this was followed by deterioration of her health, as well as affected her brain which gave her an early dementia.
These 4 years has been difficult for me as I have to deal with my mother and care for her all by myself and she is getting worst by the months. I’m the only child and my dad passed away then I was in my 20s.
Dementia affected on her, her behaviour and actions become erratic and I have to manage her. She will go into outbursts, do silly thing like go out in the middle of the night to coffeeshop “for lunch”, throw food out of the kitchen window or refusing to leave the toilet after inside for an hour. All first while need I wake her up daily. Brush her teeth, bath her and settle her meals.
This affected my overall mood and also affect my work. During the pandemic I have to excuse myself to attend to her and take leave often. This affected my work performance and relationship with my colleagues, they think I was lazy.
Her dementia had developed into parkinson’s and her movement starts to go worse. She falls down alot and yet refuse to take the walking stick. Then one of the worst day last year is she fell down trying to cross the road and fracture her knee. While she was hospitalized, I took the courage to visit the MSF centre to request for assistance.
After doing the means test, I was qualified and managed to get a slot at the nursing home at subsidised rate. After waiting in queue for awhile and my mother is in the nursing home now. (MSF take my case as high priority)
After 2 months, feel that the nursing home is actually not that bad. It’s not like in the TV or movies where the old folks are left alone and abused. The nurse takes good care of her. She is well fed and the nurse bath her. In fact she look so much better, gain weight and healthier compared to at home when I care for her.
I was also happy I managed to get my own life back. I can go out with friends and get good nights rest. My work concentration improved too and I think my boss is quite happy. I visit my mother twice a week to make sure she is okay.
But recently my relative found out that my mother is in the nursing home and scolded me. They say why I leave my mother there and blame me for 黑心 and unfilial. They ask why dun get a maid instead (i tried but cannot furing pandemic and too expensive cannot afford, home is subsidised and cheaper by abit) and one even curse me say I will be punished by the Gods and go to 18 level hell.
I was very upset, cos all scold me but none of them offer to help me take care of her. None of them even ask me which home her in and go visit her. Throughout my life my relatives only know how to bully my mother and tske advantage of her. Now things happen to her, they start to blame me? I suddenly become the extended family’s “enemy”.
Am I really wrong and unfilial? Should I bring my mother back home and continue to suffer for both of us? I’m very sick of people judging us.
Netizens’ comments
- Ignore your relatives…they know how to talk only… Nursing home is an ideal place …imagine you go work & mum is at home with a helper that doesn’t know how to deal with such age related issues…talk to frens who have been thru this….also do make sure to visit mum regularly….all the bestÂ
- My personal opinion is ignore your relatives. They are basically belong to the category of Theory Man. They talk a lot and will give you all sorts of suggestions and theories but when you need them to do the practical, they will perform the disappearing act of David Copperfield. Just ignore them, do what is the best for your mum. Take care. God blessÂ