20F. I quitted my full time job 1 month ago, even though I am currently “living the life” being at home everyday working on my hobbies/side jobs. Despite that, situations keep popping up in my brain and I still find myself very angry and hurt by the people from my ex company.
Some context: I converted from intern to full time in a creative agency. Internship was not bad and I actually left on a good note and grades, mostly cuz i stuck to my mentor during it. It was only until full time where people show their true colours. An example is the mentor and a suck up playing office politics, where they bring down people to climb the ladder. An incident was when my “Mentor” told my close colleague gossip and when I confronted him (because they said communication is key) he act blur say “where got? Got meh?” In which afterwards he sent a long paragraph to my colleague saying she tryna stir gossip by telling me what he say. I did bring this up to my boss in a talk afterwards but she told me im “victimising myself”.
Things went downhill when I failed my probation and my boss thought I was against them, since I asked the other bosses out for lunch to seek opinions (as I worked with them more). During the talk she kept making blown-out of proportion accusations and I felt very wronged. I tried to reason with her but she kept putting me down, insisting on her narrative. Since this was my 1st job, I thought failing probation was a pretty big deal and felt really disappointed.
The next week she called me, and a bunch of other colleagues upstairs where she screamed at me such that other colleagues downstairs could hear. I felt very embarassed. Afterwards I chatted with my close colleague and did decide to work harder to make them proud. However, shit just kept getting absolutely worse from there.
I felt absolutely burnt out as I OT everyday, some days till 5am. (No OT pay though) They sensed that I “wasnt happy” and kept assuming shit based of it even though I just want to do my work and go home. I once had a meltdown and one of the bosses asked “i dont get why you are so burnt out” and compared me to another co worker which was damn fucking irritating as its not a competition.
The rest of my time there was just being screamed at and gaslighted. It took me a month after leaving this toxic workplace when I realised how fucked up some things are. Phrases that came out of her mouth like “why are you so sensitive?” “Get over it” “im getting the impression you are victimising yourself” “you are being toxic” “dont go around telling people [ex company] is a shit company” I WAS JUST A 19 YEAR OLD WORKER, THE LOWEST OF THE FRY! I actually doubted myself many times. I now learnt that these are textbook signs of gaslighting. Of course I screw up from time to time, but if they keep screaming and blowing up matters, it really takes a toll.
My mental health was the worst during those months and everyday otw to work I thought how nice would it be to be banged by a car with many intrusive suicidal thoughts. The only people who kept me going are my colleagues and some of the projects. Sometimes took up to 5 xanax a day to prevent breakdowns.
Anyways a month has passed by and I still feel intense resentment towards them which I know I should get over. It just sucks that there are so many things I want to say but will never get across to them. This will never work against narcissists. As much as I hate them for this, there are still good parts such as learning lots about the industry and I appreciate my intern days and the chance for a full time job.
If you read till the end, really appreciate it. I just need to rant