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Friday, October 7, 2022
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WOMAN RAN AWAY FROM HOME WITH FIANCE BECAUSE HER FAMILY WAS TOO “TOXIC”

hi all , I’ve recently ran away from home about 3 weeks ago, and I am an adult.

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so some backstory but if its too long there’s a section below that gets straight to the point.

Growing up, they conditioned me to think that everything bad that happens is automatically my fault, even as a child. Like if a young child who does not know any better stands under the coconut tree and a coconut falls on him, they would scold the child and condition him to always, always expect the worse case scenario in life. This is the reason why I developed anxiety over the years and thought that it was normal to always feel scared 24/7 of what’s going to go wrong in the future.

They also instilled that I should never ever trust anyone because people will always have hidden agendas. And it’s not your normal “be careful of the stranger that’s offering you candy” warning, but I remembered that in primary school when i said that i made a new friend, they told me to always keep my belongings hidden from them or they’ll steal. Thus this created a false dependency on them thinking whatever they said is absolute and trustworthy.

Over the years, I learned that this wasn’t the case as I’ve met friends and people throughout the years that proved this belief wrong otherwise. And even now, I’m still struggling to overcome social anxiety especially when it comes to talking or asking for help from people around me, like my classmates.

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Especially now that I’m majoring in psychology in university. I’ve since learnt that this thoughts are not beneficial for one’s mental health as it is a sign of “unhealthy thought processes”, and I am in counselling to try to unlearn all these negative automatic thoughts. I have also since learnt that i was exhibiting symptoms of anxiety, and a bit of depression over the years, but is not to the point where I have to be on medication.

Even now they keep focusing on the negatives of everything, and gaslight me to question my own beliefs quite often whenever I’m free or while I’m studying or trying to rest after a long day in school. They will often barge into my room unannounced, even though I’ve requested for them to knock, and start attacking me on whatever comes to mind that they don’t like about me (E.g my looks or how i arrange my stuff). This also happened a few times during online lessons also, when they clearly knew that I was busy since I told them the night before. This led me to have suicidal thoughts over the years and I’ve called the hotline and attended counselling multiple times. My room and my home does not feel like a home or a safe space anymore. I just felt like a lab rat being caged.

I’ve always tried my hardest to brush it off like what others have told me since the beginning of time, but it has become really, really hurtful, to the point where they want to control my relationship with my fiancé. They keep threatening that we’ll break up, or divorce, or that he’ll leave me once we decide to have kids. He has done nothing but been a pillar or support for me for more than 3 years through ups and downs, through every single breakdowns I’ve had because of my parents, or external stresses. He was always there to pull me back up.

We’ve tried to show it to them about how happy we are in the relationship, I also asked them if they did not realise I was much happier after hanging out with him- but get attacked for it instead, saying that I shouldn’t get too close to him and that we will divorce because they believe so, to the point where they wanted to do a comparability match between me and him despite me saying that we did not believe in that. When I declined to provide my parents his birthdate and time, they kept pressing me for it, stating that even if I didn’t believe in this sort of thing, they just want to “see for themselves”. This was the point where I clicked that my parents were really the ones who drilled this fear of the uncertainty and the future into me. They are never comfortable with uncertainty, and resort to extreme fengshui practices, taking it as if it was word from God himself. So if they don’t do, they’ll believe that the rest of their lives will be doomed and will fall into chaos. And the best thing is that they refuse to consult fengshui masters, since they believe that whatever they do is right, and do not take advice from other people no matter how much evidence they may provide them with.

My mum also boasted about the fact that she did not spend a single cent on anything she wanted while she was dating my dad, and will make my dad pay for it, adding on to that she would often comment on the things my fiancé passes down to me saying its 2nd hand and cheap. In reality, I just took it because I find that it’s cool and that it’s practical too since it’s still in relatively good condition and functioning. She also wants me to like branded stuff and jewellery, and wants me to adopt this idea of being materialistic, which is not who I am!

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They also threw in their misogynistic views on me saying that women are 2nd class to men, being weak and taken advantage of. But that’s not the case anymore in current times. We have the rights and the smarts to take care of ourselves especially in Singapore. Another thing to add about this is their own views on ‘beauty standards’, forcing me to go for horribly painful facials, and most often than not, attack me during mealtimes about the pimples on my body or whatever on top of the usual brainwashing ideals they want to push onto me. It’s the reason why I avoid eating together with them in the kitchen, or go out to the living room to watch tv anymore. It’s to avoid these hurtful comments.

I’ve recently sat down to have a serious talk to my parents about how their actions made me feel, and proposed a middle ground for most problems that I want to get them to at least make an attempt to rectify. (This was not the only attempt I made, I also had a conversation about this to them a year ago)

Despite this, they laughed it off literally saying its a small issue and that they do not understand why i felt this way and that I was weak and needed to be stronger. They are still choosing to believe what they want like they always had. Their actual words to me was: “If your best isn’t enough, try harder.”

At this point I took a day off away from them at a friends house, but when I came back and had another talk with them to see if they have understood what I said, they instead placed more restrictions on me, and wanted to get other people involved, despite them saying that they do not want to get others involved.

They were always filled with contradictions. Saying one thing and then changing it to suit their beliefs for the situation at hand.

I’ve tried everything, and this is the last straw. I’ve since left the house with the help of my fiancé. We are living in a rented apartment and I’ve never been happier. Time away from them feel like bliss.

The rest of my family either share similar values as them, or are kept in the dark because of their tendency to “save face”.

————————————————-Here’s the important part——————————————————-

Read above for why I ran

My fiancé’s parents agreed to help us but they believed that a good conclusion could be agreed upon. They’ve decided to get involved despite the fact that my fiancé warned them about the stress it’ll have on them. They’ve insisted that I keep contact with my parents replying them once a day. This went well for a couple of days and it seemed like they actually understood me. They attempted to go for family counselling which I’ve agreed on but on a later date as i didn’t want it to affect my grades due to the amount of work I’ve had as well as travelling to the place they have selected.

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But being manipulative people, they had an agenda of their own. Every message they sent is an attempt to get to meet up with me. Parcels that arrived, offering to deliver it to me to find out where we are staying, renewing a shared card (which i do not use or accept any money from their end, we are self sustainable right now) to try to pass it to me.

I’ve told them no countless times and reminded them that they agreed to give me space for the time being, especially now that I have a ton of deadlines coming up and my exams fast approaching, and that I need the space to focus on my studies for the time being. However, they have been getting increasingly impatient and decided to threaten us with the police.

So I would like to seek advice on this matter, I’m an adult now. I’ve read the law and its statues regarding the rights of an adult. But how effective will this be? Will they be able to track us down? will the police reveal where we are currently staying to them? And get further harassment out of it?

I have considered long and hard to ask for help here up till now. Sorry for the long wall of text, but I am eternally grateful for any support or advice that I may get. If anyone here has a similar experience, please feel free to share it to if you’re comfortable. TYIA.

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