COVID made me realize I was horrible to my husband. I thought I ‘settled’ when I married him. I was a bad girlfriend and wife. I’m going to be different from now on.
My husband didn’t excite me when we were together. There were never big ups or downs. He wasn’t mysterious, he didn’t seem indifferent and he didn’t play games. Other boyfriends were investors who racked up credit card charges on credit cards for impromptu getaways to the islands or Europe.
My husband is a nurse, saved his money and planned. I was so bored, but I hated being alone. So I married him. My mom told me it was a mistake. My father told me it was the best decision.
My friends figured we’d get divorced after 12 months. He had debt from his doctoral program. We weren’t living the high life. I was 28 and wanted to be young and free. He was talking about health insurance. I liked him, but I didn’t think I loved him.
I got annoyed with him all the time. I was quick to snap at him. He would go out of his way to be kind and while I was appreciative, I didn’t realize how kind he was. I took for granted that I was ‘owed’ that experience and he was just fulfilling his obligations. I really
Then COVID hit.
I was obsessively worried about him. I couldn’t calm down and I couldn’t figure out why I was so amped. He works in surgery and the ICU and has really technical skills, so he was being deployed to help with the influx. When I couldn’t reach him one day I got so stressed out that I threw up and passed out. For much of 2020 I missed my period, I couldn’t sleep and eventually my hair was falling out. The only time I was “okay” was when I could physically see him. I realized then how shitty I had been. I got into therapy.
I realized that every guy who had been flashy, a big spender and cool and mysterious were scam artists/a man child looking for attention or a leech. They were throwing around money they didn’t have. None of those couples are still together.
The couples that threw around money and spent without care are destitute and no longer together.
The couples with the big ups and big downs are broken up. None of them could make it work.
The only couple going strong is the one I was certain was destined to fail.
The big ups and downs take an emotional toll on you. They weaken the bonds of your relationship. Volatility is bad. My mom is like that. Extreme swings, constant need for excitement in a relationship or its “boring.” Stability is bad, so she’s always looking for instability. It’s something I thought was normal.
I like “boring.” I like that we save for vacations and I am on his health insurance. I like that he is sweet and emotionally available. The “boring” guy does laundry, cooks, cleans and is a full-fledged adult with interests and goals and ambitions and passion. We have a marriage where we are together. We support each other and I have never felt as free to be vulnerable ever.
I was horrid. I was cold. I looked down on him. I can’t believe how unhappy I was. Hopefully he never finds out about the things I said. It would be cosmic justice if he left me. Now I worry about that. I just hope he doesn.t