So I grew up very sheltered and was raised by a very strict and terribly prude single mother who never re-partnered. I didn’t even get told about periods.
So when I moved out, due to my naivety, being a people pleaser and having no street smarts, I was taken advantage of a lot. And so, I have slept with about 20 different men. I have since learnt the hard way and grown up.
Fast forward to now. I’ve discussed pasts with my boyfriend recently, I guess I wanted to have open communication. Well, he took it as me being proud of “collecting numbers”.
I also overshared details and it’s ruining our relationship. He has become very jealous and insecure, thinking I’m constantly scouting out new (and past) hookups. As if I want to sleep with literally any man who walks past or is in my vicinity (including the neighbours).
It’s making me feel absolutely disgusting. I am really starting to hate myself and everything about my past. And on top of that, he no longer “feels special” (even though he so is).
And then anytime he drinks (he has a drinking problem) he brings up everything I told him, his disgust in me, and hyperfixtates specifically on one incident where I had slept with a man about 10 years ago (saying things like “how can I respect you if you don’t respect yourself” (I am very sorry to anyone who finds this offensive). He also says that when we are doing anything intimate, all he can think about is all the others that have been inside of me.
Is there any going back from this? Do I avoid ever telling anybody about anything to do with the past ever again? I feel so gross and dirty and I just want the feeling to go away and for my boyfriend to not see me this way.