I tried to terminate my pregnancy the entire 9 months
I never wanted kids ever, at the beginning of my relationship I specifically told my boyfriend I don’t want kids. Soon after I ended up pregnant at first I was happy but over time I started to panic and think awful things.
I scheduled an appointment to get an abortion but I was too far along and it couldn’t be done. I planned everything out I bought a small jewelry box as a casket for my baby, I wrote and rehearsed a lie about having a miscarriage.
I looked up ways to terminate a pregnancy at home, pills I could take, throwing myself down stairs. Yes I did, I even purposely fell on my stomach, laid flat on my back, starved myself.
After everything, he was still alive and perfect, after a while I stopped and went into a downward spiral and I still am. I was hoping something went wrong and he would be stillborn.
Now 4 months later I still have these thoughts I miss my old life, I miss sleeping all night, going out with friends, staying out all night I miss my old life.
I feel trapped, and I can never escape this life but I do love my son so much. When I look at his cute smile and the way he looks at me I think about all the things I did and it makes me cry, I look at him and I apologize all the time.
He is healthy and a happy baby but apart of me still wishes I went to the clinic sooner. I know what I did was wrong and I hate myself for it now. I’m sorry if this is to triggering to read but this is my confession.