Is it selfish not to be wanting to live with parents in laws?
My parents have passed. My parents in laws are quite old, and they’re reasonable people to which I’m very grateful for. Our relationship has been good all along, except for when it comes to my children – I’m the no bs, no myth kind. I like to have everything based on science. They’re, of course, the kind who believe in myth and old sayings. But apart from that, it’s all good.
Recently my husband and I were talking about what’s going to happen to one parent when the other one passes….. Here’s the thing, I am a very personal person. I like my own space, I enjoy a quiet home. We’ve been living alone (husband, I and two kids) since we’ve been married.
My home is really my nest and I enjoy being at home. My work also allows me to be home. So it’s been really nice. My in-laws are the type that will enter rooms whenever, and they’re loud as well. They touch my things (I don’t blame them for their habit, I just don’t like having my things moved around when I already organise it).
I feel like my boundaries and space are crossed whenever they’re around. There were a few times they stayed at our place because their place was under renovation. I was basically confined in my own room because they invaded the living room, and their belongings were everywhere instead of being in their own room (we gave them one room for that temporary stay) and I couldn’t stand it. I felt silly that I had to be confined in my own room while it’s my own house.
So I believe living separately is ultimately the perfect arrangement because there’s less conflict and I enjoy spending time with them whenever we meet. But the problem is I feel like my husband is disappointed about this, thinking that I don’t like his parents.
I assured him that I love them, especially since my parents have passed, I take them like my own parents. At the same time, I know my own boundaries and I respect personal space a lot. I wouldn’t like to have any unnecessary conflicts to happen.
My Sis-IL is the “filial piety” type which makes it worse. She loves her parents so much that whenever there’s family conflict, she will have opinions that are in favoured of my parents in-laws – even justifying the wrongs for the sake of my parents in-laws.
She can’t take in her parents because she’s living with her in-laws. So I find her really annoying at times because she has all the support she needs to raise her kids (both her parents n in laws help her) while she works and enjoys her life. She also always has her own parents house to “go home” to anytime. I don’t have that as my parents are no longer around.
My current house is my only home. It’s literally the only place I could call home. So naturally I’m protective of it. I’m afraid both my husband and my SIL will see me as someone who’s ungrateful for my kind parents in laws, thinking I don’t love them. At the same time I know I’d go crazy if they live together with us. Not to mention, space constraint is also an issue in our house. Both our kids will need both bedrooms in the future.
Please help. I would really love to know what do you all think about this (some of you might think I’m ungrateful but just let me know nicely) , and how I should I approach this respectfully.