I think I’m developing a mental illness over my small chest.
I (24F) out of practically nowhere, started feeling very down about my A cups. It’s gotten to the point where it’s almost all I think about, and I constantly look at pictures of other women with big chests and watch men online worship them. I know it’s not healthy but I feel a need to punish myself for my body “failing me”.
In other regards, my life is good. I only weigh 52kg, I have a decent face, but naturally brown curly hair, which I also feel insecure about because of my experiences being passed up for other girls. I have a decent job , my own apartment, 35K saved up, and a boyfriend who says I’m perfect to him. (Even though in the beginning he had an emotional affair with a girl)
But I still feel a loathing for myself. I feel like I don’t deserve to be loved by ANYONE, even friends or family, because I have a small chest. I am struggling with motivation to finish my degree, because I feel like there’s no point in putting effort into my life anymore if I don’t have big chests. I have contemplated ending it all and there are some days I just lay in bed all day with no motivation to eat, clean, or do anything because I feel like life is not worth living. I know this isn’t normal but I can’t shake the feelings off.
I also have been obsessively eating healthy and exercising twice a day because I feel like being skinny is all I have going for me. I feel guilty whenever I eat something indulgent or junky.
My boyfriend knows I’m struggling with this and he feels bad, but I never believe anything he says. I feel so disconnected from him sometimes even though I do love him. He comes onto me and touches and kisses my breasts a lot, but it hasn’t healed my pain. I have even told him he should date other women so he doesn’t feel deprived of big chests but he refuses and says “f that, I only want you.”
But I always think about that girl he fell in love with the first few months we were dating, and how much prettier she was than me. My first boyfriend 7 years ago also left me for another girl. I feel like these experiences have permanently humbled me and I’ll always feel inferior to women with bigger chests.
I know this is a long stupid pity party, but I just don’t know how to overcome this. I’ve deleted Instagram and I try to stay off social media, but I still come across pictures of these women and compare myself to them. I’m struggling to find the confidence to continue with my life with my body.
Also, I don’t feel this way about other women with small chests, I actually find them very beautiful and worthy of love, just not myself.