How to get parents not to ask too much for a betrothal gift?
Context
So I’m getting married soon.
Quick background, I’m Chinese, my significant other (SO) is a Sikh but my mother especially expects a huge load from my SO.
We have already decided that the 过大礼 (GUO DA LI) will be held as normal a week or two before my wedding, alls good we already seen the expert on this. All ok.
However my mother has asked me to ask my SO to give a large sum for the 聘金 /pin Jin. This is a red packet.
I haven’t asked him yet, but knowing him he’ll put a big amount since we getting the money back anyway, note the money is usually spilt along with the gifts to essentially show that my family(the bride) accept(the grooms family) etc and accept the marriage.
Now the hard part is my mother texted my bf demanding certain conditions for the Si Dian Jin (四点金)
This is the gold jewelry my SO and his family would give me/my family .
My mother asked him to spend a huge amount….
How do I tell her not to bother with these things?
Because the intial plan was that my future Mil will just give me some of her old jewelry, and my mom doesn’t like the idea says it’s inauspicious etc.
My mom has asked for gold necklace ,one gold bangle and one ring and one bracelet. From his mother, and that he should spend Xxxx amount.
How do I stop her? And deal with this situation??
Here are what netizens think
- Tell her now 2023 already and she’s marrying daughter not selling daughter. Tell her you will be worse off if your future husband start the wedding off broke or if you two have constant quarrels over this. This may also sour your relationship with future in laws I.e she is making your life worse! If she loves you she will understand that as long as your husband is good to you.. all these don’t matter. Yes important she one time say finish not keep adding on.
Or Tell her since your husband is from another culture by right he doesnt have to adhere to all these. I don’t know what customs they have for wedding but are you doing it all? If not then have to be fair right?
Worse come to worse you can fund yourself if you can afford it. - I think I will approach my mum and ask her to make clear all her demands. If she want something, she makes one clear ask not keeping adding on because some 三姑六婆 say their kid did what before. In some way some parents think if the guy so stingy now then who is to say won’t be stingy to you in future so it might be a peace of mind thing.
As for whether I will negotiate to ask for less, I will do so if the amount is very imbalanced. Will probably flesh out the amounts and tell her you do not feel comfortable with that large difference. It feels like she is selling her daughter. I will probably also add that the amount is not truly coming from the guy and his family but will be borne by you two as the wedding couple. Will emphasize that she asking more is actually just asking you two to cough up more money instead of saving for home and reno. Maybe she will then be less demanding (but I have seen parents undeterred, thinking this as another form of allowance to them for raising the kid up).