Today, he fought with me and broke up again. This time, I was upset he had just started tearing through a box of stuff in a room I had spent hours cleaning before. I had put it off for months because I was so depressed. I was proud of myself I finally did it. I was hysterical this time though. Every time I spend time cleaning something, he just messes it up later, and calls me an idiot. He thinks cleaning is stupid. The worst is with our clothes. Whenever he goes into his rages, he storms through all of the clothes, because he’s broken up with me again and wants to go out. I can’t help but see all of our things just tarnished with his anger. I spend so much time cleaning and reorganizing, picking up after every fight, thinking it’s the last time. Today, I was so tired of it all. I picked up the box, and walked out. He tried to grab it from me, and I fell down the stairs. He didn’t even care and continued shouting. He said the most awful things to me: how I was a disgusting person, he hated me, he couldn’t believe he put up with me for this long, how foolish he was to date me, what an idiot I was, how he was done with me, for me to get the fuck away from him, for me to shut the fuck up, to stop fucking crying, he called my tears manipulative, that I was trash. This fight was for him to win, as it always is. I begged and begged for him to calm down. At the same time, I couldn’t help but think how could he be doing this to me now? Why? After I give up trying to calm him down and begging him to stay, I ask how long he needs to pack everything. He told me to go away. 20 minutes later, he comes and tells me he’s not leaving, he never planned on breaking up with me. He’ll “give it one last try”. He says this every time. I usually feel a sense of relief, but this time, it’s just so numb.
I’m very recently diagnosed with a life changing condition, which has left me partially disabled with permanent nerve damage. It’s an autoimmune disorder and my symptoms flare with additional stress. He knows it all and doesn’t care. When I tell him, these arguments are just too much for me right now and honestly really dangerous because I haven’t had much time to recover and if I have another really bad flare, I could become paralyzed. He just shouts, “how the fuck is that my fault? Why are you blaming me for the fight you started??” He tells me not to get stressed out. Not to let it get to me. I try to explain it doesn’t work like that. I also tried to explain earlier why I was upset. I knew he didn’t care, he wasn’t even happy that I finally did something I was having trouble doing because I was so depressed. He laughed at me. He said if I really wanted to do it, I would do it. Whenever I try to tell him how I feel, he tells me it’s not true. He believes what he thinks I feel, is reality, I don’t know how to explain this correctly?
He is always so concerned about how I view him, but it always has to be in a positive light. I can never call him out on things he does wrong. He gets angry, “why are you blaming me?” I have no voice here.
My diagnosis has set me back in so many ways, and he has become more cruel during this time. I’ve slowly realized I am completely alone, and it’s the scariest, hardest thing right now. I can no longer walk far, running is out of the question. I can’t lift anything heavy. Being in this situation is so difficult. My head is in so much pain and my body is definitely taking a toll. I’m sorry this is so poorly written
I just wanted to vent about it all, thank you for reading
submitted by /u/ThrowRAjustwhy
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