When I first met him, I wasn’t the only girl he was seeing. See that’s the problem with Tinder, and meeting someone on Tinder. He was still hung up on his ex and would mention her all the time, about how they mutually hated each other but he was still trying to get back together with her. He told me horrible things like how he would cheat on her almost every day with a new girl, using Tinder, of course, but strangely that wasn’t the reason they broke up. I didn’t care so much. After all, to me, he was just a hook up, and it was mutual.
But see, this is why I don’t believe in hook ups: First, you get chemically addicted to each other. Then, you see each other more often and because you have no expectations of each other, you’re more honest in communicating. When you hate something the other does, you say it without hesitation. Even if it means arguing, the important part is that the problem gets fixed. And slowly, you mould into each other. He becomes the guy you wanted and you become the girl he needed.
When I first came over, he’d fill the empty spaces of conversation by playing some sports channel show which I’m totally not into. He wouldn’t even cuddle, or let me catch a breath. It was just straight to the living room again or balcony to smoke. Out of courtesy we’d talk, about nothing, mostly his ex, or the latest girl he went on a date with.
That’s when we started fighting. I wanted to get rid of him. I told him everything I didn’t like. I assumed he didn’t like me either and that we were just convenient for each other. We didn’t see each other for the whole of summer because I was overseas. I assumed he had as much fun with other girls as he could. I wasn’t stopping him, after all.
I don’t quite remember when the dynamics between us began to change. He fell sick a little more often recently. It was as if we took turns. I was the depressed one when we first met. Now, it was him. I’m not small but he’s huge. I probably fit in his palm. So you would imagine how it must have looked when one day, when we were resting on the couch, he put his head on my lap and made me cradle him instead.
I rarely cuddled with him but not long after that incident, he let us cuddle for a brief minute. I think that’s when I started to have a little bit of feeling for him. But was it really for him? When we cuddled like that, I liked it because it reminded me of how my ex and I would cuddle. So did I like him or was I just missing my ex? It was as if we took turns.
Lately, he’s been calling me up more often, and usually when he’s not sober either. He stopped immediately turning on the telly when it was over. He stopped talking about his ex. Or some other girl. He always insisted on sending me back home after but this time round, he asked me to stay over. He started talking about how he needed a girlfriend, how he wanted to go exercise together with her. I thought he was still talking about some imaginary girl, I didn’t think by ‘girlfriend’ he was implying me. We were just a, by then, 9 month old hookup, right?
Conversations became easier between us. He started asking about my dreams. Or maybe I became bolder at joking about them. But for the first time I felt he was finally looking at me as a woman, as a person, a human, with my own academic interests and life goals that I wanted to achieve.
I became less of a phone number or day of the week. We started fighting less and sympathising more with each other. I started feeling guilty seeing him because I knew that if he wanted to take this beyond the hookup point, that I wouldn’t be able to go there with him. I had feelings for someone else. At least, I think I do.
One day, he said he thought it was about time he settled down and had kids and a family. As with the girlfriend thing, I thought, ‘he’s not referring to me. Me? A wife? His wife? lol.’ But then he started getting a little serious. He would notice the domestic things I did.
‘Ah, yeah I forgot you can cook.’ or ‘Could you help me iron something?’ Even though we forgot about what it was he needed ironing. And when he called me, he almost always had maybe one too many beers. I started feeling more like that friend who holds your hair back for you when you puke into the toilet after a good night out.
I’m writing this now, yes, this is a true story, because I’m confused about what he said to me recently. We were play wrestling on the bed and I was on top when he suddenly said, ‘you know that I like you right?’ My face played along. Of course you like me. Everybody likes me. But in my heart, I was honestly shocked. ‘Not just your smile, not just your body, I like you.’ It made me think back. That time he said ‘girlfriend’ and ‘wife’ was that…an indirect suggestion?
It wasn’t to say I didn’t like him. But if you have to confess it means the feeling’s not mutual…right? He told me he wasn’t interested in seeing lots of different girls anymore. He told me he’d never get bored of me. He said he hated cuddling but that night he asked ONLY to cuddle. Nothing more. It felt like an X-rated movie turned PG. In fact, he didn’t even let me do anything more.
I’m confused. If he likes me, why is he suddenly being so kind and gentlemanly? I’m confused. Why would he choose me out of every other girl he slept with before? I’m confused. Should I back out the door now or should I selfishly come back to him for more?
I’m confused… If I like him back, does that mean I have to let go of the other guy I thought I liked?
Source: Nuswhispers