We all have that one delusional colleague in the office, but mine takes the entire catering cake. Let me describe her size first: think Godzilla and King Kong do fusion dance, then multiply by two. She is literally a walking rice dumpling (Bak Chang) stretching her office attire to its absolute atomic limits.
But okay, fine, her size is not my business. Live and let live, right? The problem is her absolute, world-class delusion. Every single month, she spends half her salary buying Sephora and high-end cosmetics to “improve her skin.” I look at her and I just think… Pls la. Even if Picasso came back to life, how is he supposed to paint a masterpiece when the canvas is so bloated and stretched out?
The real nightmare is that she has designated me as her personal love guru. Day and night—I am not exaggerating, even during lunch and on Teams after 6 PM—she will waddle over to my desk to disturb me.
“Eh, you think Colleague A looks at me differently today? Do you think I have a chance with Colleague B? Or maybe C? I think C was smiling at my new lip gloss just now.”
Every. Single. Day.
I always give standard corporate safe answers like “Haha, don’t know leh, quite busy now, maybe you go ask him?” because I don’t want to go HR for talking too honestly and hurting her feelings. But the reality check is brutal.
Among the guys she is targetting, Mr. B actually noticed her aggressive eye-power recently. Yesterday during smoking break, Mr. B pulled me aside and straight up told me he is zero percent interested in “walking dumplings.” He literally said, “Bro, it doesn’t matter what L’Oréal or high-tech makeup she puts on her face. Even if she use Nippon Paint, it also cannot cover that walking lard. Tell her to spare me pls.”
I was trying so hard not to laugh, but inside I was dying. Now she is asking me again today if she should buy a new foundation to impress Mr. B. How to break it to her nicely that no amount of cosmetic can save this situation, and she needs to look in the mirror instead of dreaming about the office eye-candy? Help a brother out, I am running out of fake smiles.