Wah lau eh, another email just hit my inbox and I am literally at my limit.
Management just announced our annual Dinner & Dance (D&D) theme for this year: “Retro Disco Glam.”
Seriously, WHO ASKED FOR THIS?
First of all, nobody in the history of office workers has ever woken up on a Monday morning thinking, “Wah, I really cannot wait to spend my own money on a metallic sequin outfit that I will wear exactly once, just to sit in a hotel ballroom, eat cold 8-course catering food, and watch HR do a cringey dance item.”
And don’t even get me started on “mandatory” teambonding. Last quarter they dragged us all the way to Sentosa on a Friday afternoon—in 34-degree Singapore heat—to build makeshift bamboo rafts. I am a 30-plus-year-old adult. Why am I sweating through my shirt trying to tie plastic drums together with cable ties to “build synergy”? The only thing we bonded over was our collective heatstroke and mutual resentment for the organizers.
Here is a crazy thought for C-suite management: JUST CANCEL ALL OF IT.
Take the entire budget—the $150 per pax hotel buffet, the venue booking, the cringey emcee fees, the useless photobooth with feather boas, the cheap door gifts that end up in the bin—and just package it into a cash angbao or performance bonus for every employee.
You want to improve morale? You want retention?
- Cash improves morale.
- Ending work on time improves retention.
- Not forcing me to pretend to be best friends with people I already see 40 hours a week improves my mental health.
If you give every staff $300 to $500 hard cash extra at the end of the year instead of making us dress up like retro pop stars, I guarantee employee satisfaction will hit 100%. We don’t want “culture.” We don’t want “team cohesion.” We pay mortgages, pay daycare fees, pay overpriced cai fan every day. Give us the money, let us go home early, and let us spend time with people we actually chose to be with.
End of rant. Back to work before HR flags me for “lack of company spirit.”