How can I reject my boyfriend’s marriage proposal in the least hurtful way possible?
I (25F) and my boyfriend K (26M) have known each other since JC and have dated for 4 years. He has always been good to me, treats me well, and I have no doubt that he loves me very much.
Recently, I heard from a friend that he has been shopping around for engagement rings and planning for a surprise proposal. Although this should have been happy news for most girls, I actually felt worried, sad and confused instead.
The truth is, deep down inside I fear that I may have already fallen out of love with K.
All my life I have been an (almost) straight As student and usually scored in the top 10-20% of the cohort. I am quite ambitious and competitive in my outlook, and some might even call me an overachiever. Since graduation, I have secured a pretty cushy job that pays close to 5 digits with high hopes for my future career progression.
K is quite the opposite academically. Back in school he was a bit of a joker and would rather spend his days hanging out with friends than revising. Although he was in a good school, his grades consistently scraped the bottom of the barrel and he said he “just wasn’t cut out for studying”. Despite this, K actually has very lofty goals and holds himself to (his own) high standards. He has always talked about his dreams of making it big as an entrepreneur and to be his own boss by the age of 30.
Although I desperately want to be supportive of his dreams, honestly I find many of his business ideas naive, ill-conceived and financially unfeasible. I tried my best to rescue several of his past “big ideas” by helping him research business regulations, liaise with industry partners etc. Yet, all of them turned a massive flop because they were fundamentally flawed to begin with.
As he fast approaches 30, I think reality is sinking in that he is unlikely to reach his goal and will be stuck in his 3k/month admin job forever. In the past year or so, he has been showing signs of depression such as chronic oversleeping and self-destructive thoughts which has further sucked him into a downward spiral.
I suspect that his pride is also wounded by the ever-widening gap between our life trajectories as he would refuse to come to company D&Ds with me as my +1.
I feel that my love for K has been slowly whittled down by the endless cycle of his doomed entrepreneurial ventures. I am exhausted from juggling multiple hats as a girlfriend, therapist and business consultant.
At the risk of sounding materialistic, I also find it hard to see a future with him buying a house and raising kids with equal financial contributions as I will probably end up paying for the bulk of it while also trying to protect his pride. With that being said, I will always care deeply for K given all the happy times we have shared together and everything he has done for me.
He is a good and kind man who truly loves me with all of his heart, and I don’t want to crush him completely especially given the current rut he is in. How can I let him down as gently as possible about his plans for a proposal, and would it be cruel for me to ask for a break/ a break up now?