I told my gf’s friends that I would not date someone poorer than me, and I regret it
TL;DR: My gf’s rich friends asked a hypothetical question during dinner if we’d be willing to date someone poorer than us. They all said yes, but I said no due to practical reasons like financial stability. They all judged me and reacted negatively to that and made fun of me through the entire night.
I (27M) have a loving gf (25F, I’ll call her Ana). We’ve been together 5 years now (6 years in October). We had dinner with her friend group last night (2 girls, 2 guys, then me and my gf. Everyone else was single).
Ana’s friend group really likes going into in-depth discussions about politics, science, ethics, art, and hypotheticals, and I love participating in them. I’m not as progressive or intellectual as them, but they always say that I bring a “fresh perspective” because I always look at the topics from the eyes of an outsider.
To be clear, they’re really nice, cool people. They are never intentionally condescending, sarcastic, or patronizing towards me, and I genuinely enjoy their company.
The thing is, though, they all come from affluent families with generational wealth. Even my gf. However, Ana doesn’t really share their lifestyle. They’re the type of people who nonchalantly mention “Wanna go to Tokyo on Friday? I wanna go shopping” as if having a trip like that is just as easy as going to the mall.
When I say things like, “Oh yeah, I’ve studied the Louvre in art class back in school. Wish I could go there someday,” their response would be like “Meh, it was too crowded when we visited last month.” They also do that card roulette thing where they would pool their credit cards and the waitstaff would pick one, then the owner of the card would pay the entire bill. Things like that.
I, however, grew up in a lower-middle class family. We were not poor, but we did not have much luxuries either. There were days when I was a kid where we had to maybe ration our food or skip a meal (especially when my parents were between jobs), but it never got too drastic to the point of extreme hunger or homelessness. Suffice to say, I am on an entirely different demographic than the rest of them.
Ana and all her friends knew about this. Whenever we all go out, and they choose a fancy place, they always offer to pay for my portion. I always decline since I don’t want them to think that I’m taking advantage of them/Ana or that I’m a social climber, but they always insist and I often end up going along with them.
Ana always assures me that it’s not a big deal to her friends, and that through the years, they’ve accepted me as a “must-be-there” part of their group since they see how much Ana and I care for each other. Also, apparently they find me pretty funny so they like having me around.
Last night, one of the girls had a prompt for our discussion: “Would you date someone who’s from a lower socioeconomic class?”
Their answer was a resounding and unanimous yes, even Ana. They all had their explanations, but the gist of it was that for them, money doesn’t matter in love, as long as their feelings are true and all that fairytale stuff. Of course, I believe that too. That is, if you had the safety net like they do.
When I answered no, all of Ana’s friends had a really violent reaction. Everyone acted as if it was the most obscene and vulgar thing in the world.
I explained my side, saying that coming from a lower-middle class family, I have to be practical. As much as I wanted to prioritize “love” and other emotions, I have to think about financial stability as well, since I’m supporting myself and my brother who’s still in school.
I said that I know it sounds selfish, but of course I’m working hard to achieve a more comfortable life, and dating someone poorer might not help me toward that goal.
Again, I’m coming from a place where I know that my current finances is pretty poor already (I’m still living paycheck to paycheck, struggling to pay monthly bills, loans and debts, and my brother’s expenses), so dating someone poorer might mean someone I might have to support financially as well.
Of course, at the end of the day, my ideal relationship would be where there is mutual growth and no one is holding back the other person.
When I tried to explain all this, all of them, except Ana, seemed so appalled. She understood my situation. We live together with my brother, and she also contributes to our finances using the money she gets from her parents. However, Ana’s still doing her master’s so she’s not earning quite as much on top of that.
Her friends jokingly accused me of being a gold digger, and while I know they’re all just making fun of my answer, that still hurt. I really thought they’d be more open-minded since they were all so progressive and somewhat more in-touch with less fortunate people (like me) unlike the other rich, spoiled brats I see online.
I felt so invalidated and judged just because I wanted to prioritize my own well-being over others’. I mean, to be clear, I know it’s selfish, but I feel like it was still reasonable given my circumstances.
Throughout the night, they were making digs at me like “Ana, better watch your credit score or your boyfriend might break up with you” or “You should be thankful, Ana, you passed your boyfriend’s high standards” and similar remarks.
Again, I know they didn’t really mean to be harsh and were just giving me a hard time about it, but I just took it too personally, I guess. I might even just be reading too much into it.
Now, I think they’ve already moved on from the dinner discussion, but their reactions still linger in my mind. I feel like crap because I thought I sounded entitled, or maybe I didn’t explain my side properly. Or maybe I’m just flat out wrong. I don’t know.
All I know is I love Ana, she loves me, and I won’t leave her even if we had empty bank accounts. I mean, I hope we never experience that, though, because that would suck.