My husband doesn’t want our child to call him dad.

My husband (24M), and I (25F) got married almost a year ago. However 6 months ago I found out I was pregnant due to our birth control failing.

We had both wanted children in the future, and this was just a bit sooner than either of us had expected, so I keep the child.

While discussing our future child’s first words; specifically I asked if he thought they would be “dada” or “mama”. This lead to him saying he actually doesn’t want our child to call him dad, because it will make him feel old.

This felt very odd to me. He is responsible for this child being brought into the world, but he wants them to call him by his first name?

When I brought this up he said I have no right to try and dictate, what our child should call him. I am really not understanding this, and when ever I try and talk to him about it he makes me feel like I am the bad guy.

Any advice on where to go from here?

Netizens’ comments

Husband looks like he is going through something deeper.

Surface level response: I will feel old

If that is his true feelings that is ridiculous. He’s 24 years old, having a kid on the early side.

I would want him to reflect if there is more going on here.

Anxiety about parenting? Anxiety about big life change? Things like that. Not “I will feel old if my kid calls me dad.” if that is true jesus, you are in for some rough parenting.

How to deal with dismissive soon to be fiancé/husband, toxic in law?

I am going to get married to a guy.

He doesn’t put in effort in planning things (dates/trips/wedding etc) until after multiple “pushes” and arguments. We had a lot of arguments which resulted in him wanting to handle the remaining items of the wedding. But every time I check in for updates, I can see he doesn’t actively chase for one from the vendors that we will end up arguing.

When we argue, he likes to be dismissive of my emotions and just end up running away/wanting to bring forward the problems to another day. Sometimes when we do have the time to talk things out at night, I get blamed for always starting an argument at night but to me that was the only time we were able to talk things through (without our daily job being in the way), & somehow things always get heated up.

What’s worse is, we both had multiple discussions on shifting the marriage forward (allowing us to save cost & yet spend more time with each other at home instead of going out for dinners/trips). Every now and then, he brings it up and blames me for wanting to shift the dates earlier (bc not financially ready & having to rush the booking of wedding items). We have already signed a few vendors for our wedding and so for him to bring it up multiple times, it makes me rethink like whether I’m the only one who wants to settle down asap. Ps, we already have an excel sheet which I have done up & asked him to look at a few times to let him know how we are financially but he refuses to do so bc he just “doesn’t wanna think abt it”. He only had time to “think” when his mum asked him to calculate how much he can contribute. Somehow, the shifting of our wedding date, was not an issue when he and I have already booked things and make downpayments, it only became an issue when his mum wants things to be done her way and I am not 100% receptive.

Also I really thought his mum was nice and welcoming. I am not a confrontational person and I would try to people please as much as I can. But somehow, I am doubting if I really got the right impression of her and if it’s worth it to give in this much.

Along the journey of our planning for engagement and wedding, we have already gotten her inputs and suggestions. From venue, rings, deco, food etc. She wanted to invite more people and wants to include her own dessert table without consulting me, the other person in this marriage. She also wanted her friend to source our rings for us. But because she was upset at my partner’s lack of communication, she was “forcing” us to accept her and his family’s help for decorating some gifts.

Tbh, it is really a small item out of everything but it was something I had to source for, paid for and agreed with my partner that this was something we wanted to sit down and accomplish together. & given how we had already met most of her demands, I just really wanted this one for myself and my partner. To have something to look back on and smile knowing how much pain we had to go through. I told him multiple times that it’s really nice of her to want to help, but let’s have an attempt at it by ourselves first before we go to her if we really need that help.

Then, his mum started saying unreasonable things to my partner like “if you don’t accept our help, then no one would be there at your funeral”… I was taken aback because why does she have to take it that far? To bring up death during a planning for supposed joyous occasion? & my partner had already tried to explain that it was supposed to be something meaningful where we diy it.

At first she had accepted it, or so I thought. But when my partner are arguing over a trivial matter, he brought it up again and he himself was threatening me saying that since I don’t want to let his mum take over the decoration of gifts, I should at least do it at his house where his mum can oversee things, and if not, it would be the end of us.

I felt so pressured and I just couldn’t sit with that idea. What I initially thought we had agreed on, doing it together without anyone judging us or overlooking us, became something where I had to accept some hidden “terms and conditions”.

You can guess I was distraught at the thought of potentially losing my loved one over something small and so I completely backed down and just gave up having anything to do with it. Instead, I told him to go do it with his family and I’ll just accept whatever the end product is.

I wake up today, still feeling awful. That I have no control over something that I have spent my money on. That I have to swallow whatever harsh things she had said/will say throughout the remainder of our journey. I’m not sure if I can be spineless and just accept every jab of hers.

& I can sense my partner is slowly turning his back against me. I am contemplating whether I should still continue with this relationship with him switching up on his words like this and also already dreading dealing with his mum. I still love him a lot, but how much more do I have to give in/compromise? How do I make this work?

Am i not your son? What have i done wrong?

Sorry just another rant post…

I felt like i was adopted… My mum always wanted a daughter and that’s it.. i can imagine her disappointment when i was the first born..

When i was a kid, i was always taken care by my 2 grandmas.. i remembered being absent for kindergarten K1 once when my mum took care of me for a bit.. because she didn’t bothered waking me up..

I had a very nice childhood because she dumped me under my dad’s mum’s care.. i have tons of cousins (who are at least 20 yo older than me, my dad was the youngest & married very late).. my late grandma taught me to greet every uncle/auntie.. homecooked food everyday which i missed now.. my mum hated them because they would gossip about her and her family (she claims it’s because of her humble origins, but it’s really her arrogance)..

Then comes my sister when i was five.. my dad side family didn’t like her.. my sis was hand raised by my mum… Refused to greet people (didn’t even call me “kor” or “bro” even today).. I knew my sis wasn’t treated well by my dad side of the family (strong beliefs that males are more precious than females).. i will share my angbao money with her… For her wedding i even gave her a big angbao, which shocked her..

During my primary school and secondary school days.. i wasn’t the best kid in town in terms of grades.. my sister aces her studies.. got into top tier schools… Was even invited back to her JC to teach.. my sis is on the front page of 大拇指 (the old school newspaper in Chinese), which my mum still keeps till today… But my mum didn’t remember any of my achievements.. i went poly and NS, dated twice.. but my family didn’t even bother knowing that i had gfs except my grandma.. to “consolidate power and standing in the family” my mum threatened that i go back home to her everyday after my PSLE.. saying she will disown me if i refused to go back with her.. (i remembered the scene so vividly because i was crying so badly that day)

My mum will always go mahjong with her friends, or gambling at some casinos on some ships off the coast of Singapore, or travel to genting to gamble (now it’s MBS).. she will throw tantrums at home whenever she loses money..

Once she brought back her mahjong kakis home… One of the old aunties suddenly got a stroke (overnight mahjong).. from then on my sister got PTSD from old ppl.. and refuses everything that my grandma touches! The common areas like door handles etc… even today, my sis will wash her hands over and over again after touching common areas… Told my mum to bring her to see a psychiatrist.. but my mum refused..

When I go overseas after my NS, my mum threw everything away including my bed so that my sister can have her own room (yes we shared a room even when i was in NS).. i was upset.. i have no bed when i go home to visit.. had to sleep in the living room on my sofa, which she complained it stinks from my BO (the dermatologist said i had too much baths, and it’s causing eczema, yet my mum bought me very rough and strong soap and shampoo, and insist i shower multiple times a day).. All my hobbies and stuff.. all thrown out.. as though to wipe the memory of me off the house… when I needed funds to continue the last stretch of my graduate education… I was blackmailed and threatened by my own mum… My dad even offered his cpf money to pay off my tuition and i worked while i was studying…

I started working overseas and it was the best 2+ years of my life.. away from the family.. When i found a full time job overseas… My dad was not terribly happy (because i am a male, which has to stick with parents to take care of them till they die).. but my mum can’t be more happier when she found out..

My grandma (dad’s mum) health was becoming too frail towards the end of my graduate studies.. i was hoping she last till i come back, but sadly no.. she’s the one who have been paying mostly for my tuition fees.. but when she fell in the toilet (we used to live together in an old flat in Chinatown), she tried to call out for my mum and sis for help.. who totally ignored her!!! My dad was working.. and i was overseas.. her entire face was blue-black that never recovered till she died.. Everyone else in the family was devastated.. yet my mum pretended like nothing happened..

That smirk face on my mum is sth i will never forget and never forgive.. when we were told to give our last goodbyes to my dad’s mum.. walking around the coffin.. she gave that “serve you right” face and just glared at my grandma’s face.. and then she keep saying that she never expect my dad’s mum to die later than her mum!

When i was overseas.. my sister told me she caught my mum being very “extra nice” to a young 20yo++ Samsung promoter.. bought him bed, pillows, daily necessities.. my sis and mum even argued over this promoter.. but when i heard the news.. i only sympathized with my dad..

When i flew back when COVID hits and there’s no jobs anywhere overseas.. i specifically heard my mum told her friends that she never expected me to return… And i remembered her telling one of them that having sons are useless… (When i have a gf, she said she never expected me to have a gf.. what’s with these expectations?!)

Yet, i am the only child who turns up whenever there is an issue.. when my dad gets hospitalized.. once with a bile stone in 2021, the other with a mini stroke in 2023… My younger sister will always be (sorry i am in a meeting) and my dad still tell me.. “oh your sister is afraid of the hospital smell… No need to visit me.. it’s only a mini stroke”.. it was my first day at work when my dad had bile stones! I risked losing a job on my first day! when the water hose exploded in the toilet while my dad is A&E diagnosed with mini stroke this year (2023), my mum was with him in the hospital.. I was the only one there with my gf to fix the water hose, rushing down from woodlands customs (we are about to enter JB that day)… Tried calling my sister back but my sister treated as though nth happened! My sister still lives in the house despite after getting married (her BTO was delayed due to covid)..

My dad was a workaholic… Been working in the family business 363 days a year (he only rests during the 2 days of CNY)… He returns home usually past midnight… Not because he has tons of things to do… He just enjoyed taking his own sweet time to do up orders for the business… That’s how he got his mini stroke… 70 yo working like a 40 yo.. sometimes i feel he’s just trying to live out the rest of his life and had already given up with this current one..

My mum is very mean to my dad.. threatening my dad every time for divorce when i was young.. calling him ah gua (or gay), smelly old man etc… she will lock him out of the room whenever she feels like it.. hack into my dad’s social media account to post young hot men pics, knowing that account had tons of his family and friends.. Even made him swear in front of ancestor tablet that he is not gay or else his kids will get cancer… All my dad did was hanging out with a couple of younger guy friends! My mum even threw away the entire Martell wine collection that my mum’s dad gave to my dad.. she even threw away my dad’s aquarium before i came back from overseas, despite his fond memories of the aquarium tank.. she’s constantly complaining about how bad my dad is making money, despite he is fulfilling his role as a filial son to continue the family business, based from his promise to his father.. She later called him names in order to sell our old family house in Chinatown left down by my late grandma (dad’s mum).. my dad got so irritated one day and decided to just sign the agreement to sell the house.. after she sold it… She cried everyday saying “i shouldn’t have done that” (because no other houses in sg now is as big as our old family house)… my dad turns out to be the one consoling her..

I am a Buddhist, influenced by aunt.. we have a guanyin statue that i have been praying to since young (it was passed down by my aunt when she moved out of my old flat in Chinatown after arguing with my mum, the statue was no taller than a 1.5 L bottle and now the altar is just at the top most of a built in cardboard, without a proper altar)… Yet my mum threatened to send it to temple.. she only take her words back when my dad got into hospital for bile stones (he fainted from the fever caused by the bile stones the very next day, after she said it in front of the statue to send it to temple.. she’s being superstitious so the statue is still there).. on the other hand.. the huge piano (about 1 meters tall, 2 meters wide) has left untouched since my sister got into uni.. my sister is the only one that can play.. and my mum refused to sell it and been collecting dust since.. (why..? My sister has no intention to bring it over to her BTO flat either!)

Now that my sis got her BTO done, she’s not inviting my mum graciously into the house! She says My mum can sit on a chair outside the new house! My mum even buys her lunch whenever my sis wfh! (“See mum! This is the kind of child you raised and wanted right?”)

Whenever i bought new stuff for myself.. it’s either thrown away now or in the storeroom.. my formal shoes that i wore to conferences now harder than steel… My army boots, i have to buy a new pair almost every reservist, which every SG boy will know it’s expensive (mold grow on them despite how i try to savage them, and she refused to let me air it outside, and demanded that i keep in the storeroom).. My Harry Potter series, rare limited edition book copies (i remembered vividly having a limited edition Chinese written book by Singapore Press that describes every single temple in Singapore) and Stephen chow movies all thrown away.. all these are all collectibles editions..

When my younger sister got an official bf.. my parents greeted him very well.. exchanged numbers… Got him gifts… My gf got nothing.. They didn’t even remember her name and didn’t bothered asking, even after 2 family dinners with her until i made a fuss!!

I am heartbroken…

“Mum, am i not your son? Yes i have my flaws but I tried to be a filial son as much as i can! What have i done wrong? Just because “sons are useless” in your opinion?!”

PS: “Sons are useless” is a phrase used by my grandad (mum’s dad) because my mum’s brothers didn’t play out as filial sons as far as i gathered..

Should non parents give ang pows to those with kids

Hi,

My wife and I have been married for 10 years and we decided not to have kids. As the years went by, during Chinese New Year, my wife and I would give ang pows to our nieces and nephews.. My wife has a big family and many of her cousins have many kids ranging from 2-4 kids per cousin..

Every year as the number of kids being born in the family kept increasing and for years we kept giving ang pows.. A couple of years ago, we decided to get a dog and our dog has many medical problems and in SG, vet fees are not a joke.. We give our dog a good life coz to us he is like our kid..

However, now whenever Chinese New Year comes around, we feel like we have to spend a lot of money giving ang pows to our nieces and nephews but we don’t get anything in return.. of course we are not expecting an ang pow for our dog but for 10 years we have been giving so much ang pows and it’s gotten to the point that my wife and I no longer wants to celebrate Chinese New year with the family.. It’s not so much the money but the expectation the family has for people to give them an ang pow coz they have kids and even if I reduce what I’m giving, it’s money I could have used for my own dog or my family coz it still comes up to hundreds of dollars.. And also to add, it’s not like we are all close knit.. we hardly see each other unless there’s an occasion..

My best friends and their families actually give ang pows to those with no kids but have dogs coz they recognise that the dog is family to the couple and also has vet bills to pay.. it’s the gesture of giving and not the amount..

I feel that those without kids should not be asked to give an ang pow.. I feel those with kids should give to those who have kids..

Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? Should I just suck it up and continue the tradition? Any advise would help..

My fiancé is ugly without a bear

I’ve been with my fiancé (m24) for almost two years now. When I met him he had facial hair and was immediately attracted to him. If I was to rate him it’d probably be a 9/10.

Last week he messed up shaving, and TO not look “stupid” as he put, he decided to shave everything. This was the first time I’d ever seen him without facial hair. It was awful.

This beautiful man turned into someone else- and not in a good way. I didn’t really react because I do love him, but attraction is important and there’s none when he is hairless.

So now I just have to hope he never shaved again. Ugh.

Netizens’ comments

• Good thing beards grow back.

• It’s hard out there fellas

• I think it can be shocking at first for anyone. Especially if you are used to it. It’s pretty common for young kids to be scared if a parent changes a haircut or shaves a beard.

Just tell him you think he looks better with facial hair. That’s the nice thing about hair. Generally it grows back.

• You sound like those babies in Youtube who see their dad’s clean shaven face for the first time and cry hahahaha

I’m pregnant. The baby’s dad insists on doing a paternity test when the baby is out.

Tbh I feel quite insulted because I have never played, never strayed, but this is the amount of trust that’s given just because of his own insecurities.

I was so speechless and mad when I hear that I threatened if the result is out and he’s indeed the dad, he shall not have anything to do with the baby.

I know it’s ridiculous cos I’ll need the support in the end so it doesn’t work that way…How will you feel as the girl?

Share your thoughts, maybe it’ll make me feel better…

Netizens’ comments

• You are in the wrong. Your noticeable avoidance of using husband and wife terms indicates you are not married.You have the undeniable advantage as a woman of always knowing who your child is (hint, it comes out of you). He doesn’t.He is entitled to deny being the father unless you prove it with a paternity test. Fatherhood comes with heavy legal responsibilities. He is right to require the bare minimum of a paternity test.

• If the guy completely trusts you then he wouldn’t be making such a request. Could be because of your lifestyle or character that causes the lack of trust. He is entitled to the paternity test if you are not worth trusting. Do some self-reflection.

• You said “the baby’s dad”.
  Well are you married to this guy or in a committed exclusive relationship?
  He has every right to know if he is the biological father if you are expecting responsibility for the kid from him.
  Maybe he has his own concerns about how you got pregnant – you said insecurities, so find out what those are – maybe he has some medical condition that makes it hard for him to get a girl pregnant and somehow you got pregnant? Some other trust issues between you and him?