My boyfriend cheated on me with 11 different women (that I know of).
I’d like to preface this by saying that I am not necessarily asking for advice, rather just getting it off my chest through a rant…
The first time I found out he cheated, I was in absolute shock, confusion and overall just didn’t know how to react, since it didn’t really happen to me before; but I remember that my first instinctual emotion was anger and frustration, followed by sadness and the realisation that it did actually hurt me.
When we got together, I thought I couldn’t have found a better match and everything was amazing, from all points of view, we had a lot of things in common, great bed chemistry, aligned mentalities and worldviews and a common interest in literature, philosophy and books in general – overall very compatible and comfortable with each other, both of us normally being pretty solitary individuals in our day to day life.
I remember thinking “it was too good to be true”, especially after leaving a very toxic previous relationship (both mentally and physically) but I shut down that thought fast thinking I was just traumatised from my previous relationship.
Well, that feeling grew stronger and stronger because up until that point, I legitimately could not find a flaw, a small inconvenience, nothing at all, and in all close and healthy relationships, despite all appearances, there is at least one.
A healthy relationship doesn’t mean you never disagree on anything and you never argue, it means you communicate properly and effectively in a healthy manner so you can both reach common ground and grow together through compromise.
During that time, we shared a laptop for music, movies and such and while he was at work (our work schedules don’t always match, he has multiple shifts and I work the equivalent of a 9 to 5), I noticed that he was still logged in to his facebook.
Now, I kid you not, I spent almost half an hour debating myself if I should follow my instinct and snoop or not (I had it happen to me regularly in the past and I know how damaging and painful the feeling of distrust can be, especially since I was nothing but loyal and there never was any reason to do that – I swore to myself I would never be that kind of person and I never even was up until that point, I was always pretty secure in my own place and pretty confident) but in the end I succumbed to that feeling and just wanted answers.
When I found out he had been flirting and s–ting with other women, my heart dropped to my stomach and after 10 minutes of pure shock I started sobbing. I told him that night that I want to have a talk the next day, after I get some rest and composure, so I can articulate properly and maturely what I had to say. A big part of me was also feeling guilty because I felt like what I did was a breach of privacy, but after a while I came to terms with this guilt because I realised that in this scenario, the end really justifies the means and really, I just subconsciously blamed myself for finding out because I would have probably still been happy till this day if I never found out. Regardless, I prefer the ugly truth. I loved this man too much and still felt like he checks most of the boxes I’m looking for, so I stayed and he promised to never betray me like that again and told me that he loves me.
Now, I even proposed the idea of polyamory at some point, thinking that maybe that’s really what he wants and I can be pretty open minded, as long as there is communication, but he still chose monogamy (for context, before we agreed on monogamy, became “official” and moved further into the relationship, the lines were very grey there so I thought that maybe that’s what he’s into).
He still cheated on me (same as always, virtually, texting random women and stuff), but the reason why I am ranting here is because recently, things has hit the fan, so to say.
I found out he had been talking to his ex, making all sorts of confessions and what absolutely shattered me is one note that he had on his phone, in which he describes how she was his everything, his first, how he has always wanted to get back with her ever since they broke up, how he still cannot process the fact that they are no longer together, even go as far as to saying that at some point he would’ve even accepted her polyamory condition if it meant that they would still be together (she was into it, he was not, main reason it did not work, he broke things with her – I think it’s worth mentioning that she truly shaped the way he relates to romantic relationships because she was in fact his first girlfriend, he was around 18 at the time and she was 28, the age gap definetly mattered and before I get questions about the legal part of it, I’m not sure if he truly was 18 or not and no one really said anything about it unfortunately because she is a woman and he is a man).
Needless to say, my heart was absolutely shattering piece by piece, word by word read and I felt physically sick, almost threw up.
There is one thing to chat with random people online when you are bored, and another to be fully present in a moment in time where I do not belong, nor exist, I felt like our entire relationship was a lie, everything I built and invested was crumbling beneath my feet, my core was melting, my heart bled on the inside.
The thought of him being able to write all that and pour his soul out, completely casting me into oblivion, like I don’t even exist, like on this planet there is only him and her, absolutely crushed me to pieces. I gave this man my everything. And he couldn’t even see or acknowledge it, let alone appreciate it, for if he had enough space in his mind for me, and not for someone else, he would’ve put in the effort. The fact that I did my best to take care and nurture him, to the point of rationalizing my own feelings and shutting them down so I can prioritise and understand his and emphasise while I was a ghost to him killed me.
He does not know me and he never will, despite the fact that I was an open book. He was too busy reading another one. Maybe he will never even know that there was a possibility that this book could be his favorite. He never gave it a try and that is okay. I am too broken to feel anymore.. and in all my self awareness, I know that I have become too insecure to leave. I know that I am dumb and I know that I have no self respect; and it’s true, if I had remained with the tiniest bit of self love and self respect, I would have left long ago. I hate what I have become, but I never really liked this world either, so if I can be useful to someone at least by remaining and giving up on my dreams to help them achieve theirs, that can be a purpose too. I am not made for any grand design. It all went downhill when I switched from being the gifted, prodigy child to the mentally ill one anyway. I am simply too f-ed up to give a damn about what happens to me anymore. Thank you all for reading.
