My family wants my cancer to beat me, but..
I (23,F) got diagnosed many months ago and it has been the most difficult time of my life, the physical pain I experience is hard, the loneliness is much harder.
Cancer destroys anything in your life that is already broken, and damages what’s left.
In my household, my mother and sister ignore my cancer, when they’re mad they say it’s good I got it, when I suffer they ignore me. My family wants cancer to win. They said it. My mother and my sister say it everyday.
I underwent surgery and am currently on chemotherapy and I almost gave up, I almost let them break me and make me wonder what the point of being alive would be if nobody actually wanted me here. Why do treatment if I was so useless. I almost resorted to breaking my razor to finish the job. Almost.
It’s my boyfriend, He’s always there, always my biggest supporter, always cheering me on, his smile is the most beautiful lighthouse I’ve ever had to keep me pushing through it all, his teeth are shiny like lights too! He doesn’t even know just how much he means to me, I can’t put it into words at all, love is too small a word.
he told me the other day “don’t you know you’re in everything, everywhere I go and whatever I do, I see you”
I don’t even have to be strong with him, he let’s me lean on him, cry, sob, laugh joke and share silence with. He thinks I’m beautiful and kisses my face when I feel the ugliest with my hair falling out. The love I felt at that moment when I realized how deeply I felt for him, how everything comes in waves. Happiness. Sadness. Pain. Joy. Anger. Cancer. It will pass.
I felt such an overwhelming guilt at possibly leaving this beautiful, beautiful person or making them sad by giving up, a realization that family can be made here in this world and there’s probably more found family of mine out there, waiting for our paths to intertwine.
I will one day be free from this pain, maybe one day my family will heal and change, who knows? I contacted my aunt to go stay with her and be safe until that day comes or I recover and can live on my own.
My boyfriend makes cancer feel like a common flu, that you’re so sure will pass, that you know will end soon. What he said was enough to snap me out of it, I’m not giving up, I’m going to marry him one day, and I’m going to be cancer free when I do it. I can’t wait to let you all know when those days come.
Not that anyone should tether themselves to another person just to find a will to live, that’s not it, sometimes we need a tether to pull us back to earth before those moments take control and prove fatal.
I will make myself the tether that holds me to this world, I just need to see myself through his eyes.
