Am I a bad child for not taking care of my parents?
Since young, I’ve never had any affection for my parents. I find it weird that when my dad was working, he can spend his salary on gambling and other extra activities. As a result, I never had a nice childhood. Went to school, they told me I need to get specs as I was short sighted, my parents insist that I was fine. Even the dentist told me to get braces for my crooked teeth, they still insist it was fine. Even I was pulled out from swimming classes because he had to sign the waiver of responsibility from the consent form.
My whole childhood is practically a nightmare. I can play with toys, only because my relatives gave them to me. My parents don’t buy for me anything because my aunties are nice enough to buy for me. I want to read books, but my parents told me they can’t afford it. But they can enjoy their lives. Even when I have fantastic results for PSLE, they told me to go to a good secondary as my sister, going to the likes of RI can be expensive. Even when I wanna go to poly after that, they insist on me to go to JC because uniform is cheaper. Don’t get me started on my own clothes, I practically grew up on just a rotation of few clothings. And my underwear will only be replaced once it’s badly worn and tattered. So, every year, I get a few bursaries, either from the Union, govt and such. Guess what? My father will take them all, and insist that he’s paid for my upbringing. Don’t get me started on upbringing. I eat shit food since young. Now that I’m older, I practically grew up on the cheapest food available. I eat white bread on its own without any spread. My mum cook, but never beef or fish, just scraps of chicken, either made into a soup or fried to be eaten with sweet soy sauce. It totally make sense now why I totally enjoy eating normal food. Eating laksa or mee siam is soooo enjoyable for me now even though it may seems nothing to you guys.
As for discipline, I realised I probably had ADHD or something. I had trouble listening to instruction and I was super hyper active. On hindsight, it was probably because I was mostly cooped up at home. As a kid, I usually go out with my relatives more than my family. My relatives didn’t have any trouble disciplining me though. But at home, I was more of a punching bag. I knew when was their salary date. Because closer to the date, my dad will always be angry and fight with my mom, and somehow, I will trigger either of them, either my dad will whack me with things, or my mum will slap me to appease him. Thinking back, I felt like I was an offering for either of them to ease their anger. If there’s free balloon outside, I will only take the string ones cos it will hurt less later. That hard metal pole to hang clothes, yeah.. It bent, I was stronger than that soft metal. I was surprised that I made it till an adult without any serious injury. Even called the police once, they did nothing to help me.
After JC, my dad told me to work. nahh.. I went back to study. Somehow in anger or something, he sold the house to take most of his money. What a pathetic loser. I was actually homeless, even the school didn’t believe me that I was homeless. Since then, I got married and was out of his life. Eventually, my mother divorced and remarried. I hate her less than my dad but I still blame her for being an enabler to his actions. How dare she let those 20 years of mine be in suffering? Probably as a result of that, my next 20 years are kinda stunted. While others are making families and moving up in their career, I was just happy being free, enjoying the simple things in life. Sure, I got a decent job now, but I wasn’t doing as well as my peers. Most of them are high flyers, I sometimes compare to them and wonder if the difference between us are probably supporting parents.
For my dad, I didn’t keep track of him if he’s alive or not. He could be dead for all I care. That’s how deep my anger is still now. People may say, it’s okay, let go and forgive and forget. He’s your parent afterall. I prayed to God for help as a kid. Heck, I even prayed to Satan for help. Both didn’t even help me at all. That’s probably why I’m not so religious. Most of my friends told me, I shouldn’t do that, and I should take care of them now that they are old. For me, if given a choice, I rather not to be born at all. Probably the same reason why I do not want to have kids. Am I wrong not to take care of them? To those who might be in similar situation as me, how do you cope?
