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Thursday, November 7, 2024
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DAD-IN-LAW WANTS MY BROKE PARENTS TO CHIP IN 50% FOR OUR NEW $3M CONDO

Fiance (M, early 30s, Singaporean) and I (F, late 20s, from Korea) met in the U.S. and we are planning to get married in Singapore and move there next year. We are moving because taxes there are much lower and more conducive to raising a family than in the U.S., and fiance’s parents want him to return home as he has spent the majority of his life abroad.

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I am currently not working but supporting myself through rental income through investment property I own in the U.S., around 4K a month, while my fiance brings around 20K a month. I have not worked for 1.5 yrs out of graduation due to personal issues (I went through a depressive time after getting an abortion with him), lack of opportunities, and faulty planning on my side. We recently got engaged and the past three months I have mostly dedicated to wedding planning. We live together and I take care of all of the housework since I am at home and he has a very demanding job. Regardless, we maintain separate accounts and currently split the majority of expenses (rent, food, travel etc).

The topic of financing a house in Singapore came up yesterday, and him/his family want us to specifically move to the same neighborhood as theirs, in the Central area. He wants to move here b/c it’s in a great central location, would be a good financial investment, and also b/c the in-laws would be better able to help to raise our future children (expecting in 1-2 years).

He is looking at a 3-3.5M for a 3bedder in this neighborhood and he wants an exact 50/50 split b/c it is “standard practice” in Singapore for 50/50 split between each “side” (whether the money comes from the parents or from the daughter/son). We don’t have enough savings, so he wants me to ask my parents for this money. However, my parents live in a country where any transfer of funds outside the country is very restricted and subject to a hefty tax. My grandparents are well off and may potentially help, but my parents are just starting a new business and don’t want them to go through this burden. They were also surprised and reluctant to this idea when I brought this up with them because, despite the perks of living in Singapore, I am immigrating to a foreign country because of my fiance/his family and believed that housing was settled by my fiance’s side as they want us to move back soon.

My fiance is firm on the principle of 50/50 contribution from parents, and if my parents won’t be able to support us, then he will refuse any contribution from his own parents as well and try to use his own salary + mortgage to buy a small house on the outskirts instead (which I am fine with). In this scenario, he wants my parents to financially support me to some degree while we are married/ find a high-paying job like his, on top of the 4K I receive so that I will have enough savings for children when the time comes. Throughout our relationship we planned to have kids within 1-2 yrs and for me to be a dedicated mom like my own mom was. He wants to push the wedding back until we can receive help from both sides for the house.

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He says that I do nothing of value (as it doesn’t translate to $) and this makes me question him as a partner in life.

Seeking advice on how to manage finances as a couple coming from two different cultural backgrounds. Thanks

update: This morning, I spoke to my fiancé’s father over the phone. I reached out to him directly because he emotionally supported me through a difficult time and is someone I already consider as family.

He says that 3-3.5M is an affordable and reasonable condo and that it’s very normal for parents to help buy the first home in Singapore. Among many reasons, he wants us to live near him so they can easily help with childcare when needed (they are expecting grandchildren; will probably see them once a week). He rejected my idea to live outside the central area, or an HDB.

He is a very supportive father to my fiancé and said they have already financially prepared to buy a condo in the central area, but my parents must contribute as much as they can (around half), and they will top up the remaining half and any more if needed.

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The part that I feel uncomfortable with is that he argues that my family is rich, even throughout my relationship I have never claimed once to be so. Although my maternal grandparents are “rich”, my father is an academic and my mother has always been a sahm. Throughout her marriage, my mother received 0 financial support from her own parents to be independent. My paternal grandfather used to own a business but it’s more than 15 years since he passed away. He/ my fiancé says “there must be more funds that my dad has”, speculates about my father’s inheritance, and that 1.5.-1.75M can “easily” be gifted from my father.

I’m the only daughter so throughout my life so my parents were very generous to me in terms of lifestyle. Because of this reason, they believe I am “hiding money” somewhere and would be “lying” if I my parents cannot afford this sum. My parents are very simple people who enjoy travel but are also very ordinary and don’t spend on luxury items. I know that 1.5-1.75M will be a stretch for my parents.

I’m very torn about how to feel that they are really insisting on this narrative about my parents that are not entirely true, and even if so, why they are demanding money from their own in-laws. My fiancé’s father is being very supportive to help us with the house but I feel he is almost guilt tripping me if my father wouldn’t support me as well. Lots of mixed emotions but the main one is that I feel apologetic toward my parents. They have made many sacrifices to raise me, and it pains me to keep asking from them.

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