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Saturday, December 10, 2022


Ex is indirectly putting pressure on me to have him back

For background, I have three children, aged between 2 and 14 and several months ago their father stormed out after an argument (over money) and contacted me asking for some of his things, his passport, paperwork, clothes etc. So I packed everything up and left it in my outbuilding for him to collect.


He got very angry about all his stuff being packed up and indicated that he hadn’t really intended to leave for good, just for a week or so to calm down. This is something he had done previously (his parents had an empty apartment he was able to use) so I knew that had probably been his intention but I had had enough with the relationship. He hasn’t earned any sort of income for a decade, so money was tight. He is very critical of my parenting but hardly did a thing to help with the kids or around the house and constantly wanted money. He is a great cook so would help with meals, but only if he had the exact ingredients he wanted, often these were very expensive.


The final straw really was that he became convinced I was having an affair when I was at work (I work from home) and would come and sit behind me while I tried to work, staring at the computer screen and talking constantly. It was incredibly difficult to work like this.

I definitely have my faults too and I put up with a lot of this because I assumed I was equally annoying or inconsiderate and that we have to make concessions, but being accuse of cheating was the end for me. And since he left, life has been a lot easier – even with three kids. I don’t feel anxious all the time.

Problem is, now he cannot stay in the apartment anymore and while he actually has the option of a free flat with some work attached, he doesn’t like the location – it’s 15 km from us which he thinks is ‘too far’. He’s dropping hints about moving in again and using the kids as a reason. He says they have suffered with him gone and I am bringing them up very badly, with too little discipline. I really don’t want him back at all but I am wondering whether this is a selfish perspective and whether it would be better to tolerate his behaviour in order to let the kids grow up with two parents. (The oldest child says they don’t want him back at all, the other two are too young to ask, really).


I know he will struggle on his own, but I also feel he had several months to find work/accommodation and so he doesn’t *have* to be homeless… but suspect he could end up that way.. He is very proud and has been out of work for so long because no job is good enough. He also wont claim benefits because he is too proud to do so

I currently feel under constant pressure to offer him a place to stay. I feel like not to could be a selfish decision and could adversely impact him, but I am really much happier without him. The guilt is horrible.

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