I am tired of being the second option all the time. I am never anyone’s priority. It makes me feel so lonely. I am not in a relationship and I get the feeling that my friends don’t consider me important too.
I shifted to campus accommodation recently and it feels so bad to do everything alone all the time. I meet and chat with my neighbours when we meet in the kitchen and corridors but that is all the interaction we have.
I have classmates staying in the same hostel and I asked them to call me when they go out or have dinner together. They said ‘yes of course’ while texting but never called me. As I scrolled through my Instagram feed, I saw photos of the group hanging out together, clubbing, going for outings, going to the beach, and tears welled up in my eyes. It is not just their clique that went out. They called friends from outside their clique, but apparently I did not deserve to be called. Sometimes I wonder whether I should uninstall these social media accounts but it sounds like an escapist solution.
I belong to a clique too but it is not so strong. My best friends like to go out with their boyfriends and those who are single, prefer spending time with their other friends. I doubt they even consider me as their best friend. Usually, no one wants to join if I suggest going out, participating in competitions, etc. What’s worse than hearing ‘no’ as a reply is not even getting a reply at all, as if I am not even worth a few minutes of their time.
Recently, I watched a movie alone. I felt sad as I saw others holding hands with their romantic partners or sitting and enjoying the show with a group of friends. I tried to enjoy alone, but I couldn’t stop crying. Thankfully, it was dark and I went to the top where there was an empty row of seats and cried as much as I wanted. I had taken a ticket for my friend earlier in the morning and I tore it into pieces.
I sat over there wondering what was wrong with me. Why am I rejected all the time? It must be me because I receive the same kind of behaviour from different sets of friends, so it is not their fault. I like spending time alone once in a while, but too much of it becomes painful. I really can’t take it sometimes.
Sometimes when my friends decline going out with me, they tell me to go out with my family. I nod and end the conversation right there. Truth is, due to health reasons, my parents avoid going to crowded places. They can’t stand for too long in the MRT, can’t walk continuously for a long time, can’t stand in long queues, need to eat at regular timings and need a lot of rest. Anyway, they don’t like to go out. Being the only child, I have no one else in my family I can go out with. I don’t want to give these explanations so I just say ‘yes’ when people suggest I go out with my family.
My parents feel sorry for me and say that I am young and should not be confined to the four walls of the house. They encourage me to go out with my friends. I can’t bring myself to tell them that my friends don’t love me as much as you do. I am an option for them, not a priority. I get rejected and declined for most of the things I say.
So during this long weekend, when everyone is out with their family and friends, I am sitting at home, writing code and fixing bugs for the project I did for my internship.