Lost soul
When i though a bad move, could or will end good.. i mean, that was my hope at least.
I got pregnant out of marriage many years back. My then boyf, shut me off and also deny the baby was his at my 3rd trimester. I got kick out from my house because i wanted to keep the baby. At first, he was all lovely.. but because of our young age, he still wanted his freedom that’s where he denied the baby was his. I cried and asked my mom to take me in back with my heavy pregnancy.. she took me in and took care of me.
5 months after my baby was born, he wanted to meet me and my baby … I dont know why, i agreed. I cant help myself thinking about my baby future without a father. So i decided to give in to him. A year later, we got married.
I though all will be great but just months past.. due to our lack of communication and open up to each other, we fought alot of time again and again. On one particular fight, i was physically hurt, not knowing i was pregnant with my 2nd child. He left home for a week or 2 before we patch everything again. When he left, he left me with zero $ for our 1st baby too.
Years with our on & off fight, he got himself to law trouble. Was on bailed for months with part time jobs and finally was behind bar for about 6 months after court sentence. All this, i still stood beside him. Courage him to be better.
Then years pass by again, i though again… He’s finally a better man but i was wrong again for countless time.
The same year he got into accident and was bed ridden for 2 months, was the same year, i caught him red handed going out with another women.
Since then, my heart was never at peace. I hate myself for giving in to him again and again. People will say im stupid because of my reason – the kids need the father but i just lost myself when my kids finds their father.
Now, my kids have already grown teenager. They spend more time at school or friends. Everything start hunting back. The past memories. Almost nothing about our relationship are happy moments. We don’t share the same hobby, is like we don’t do much things together except for staying in the marriage. I dont know if i should leave or stay.
I’m just a lost late-30s soul.