Hi I am writing about a relationship problem that I really hope to have some advice on. I am a 21M and my girlfriend is a 30F. We have been together for well over 7 years now.
Gifts
In the beginning of the relationship, it happens that she occasionally buys gifts for me/ travel with me (we’d split I pay 40%, she pays 60%), and I could only reciprocate by visiting her often and purchasing small meals for her. Ever since then, over the years she kept telling me that she thinks that she has given me too much and wants me to reciprocate.
To add on, my girlfriend has depression due to her childhood. Her dad doesn’t allow her to cook nor prepare any food in the kitchen, resulting in her lack of nutrition and interest towards food. Due to her condition, she is very prone to mood swings whenever I didn’t do something she expected/wanted or when I said something wrong. I tried to comfort her whenever I could even when I wasn’t/know I’m in the wrong.. She’d always say she that hated herself/her life and that she wasn’t suitable for me? And with me around she can’t improve herself..? I’m not a thoughtful person in a way where I look at tiny details in a relationship, i.e things my girlfriend hints she wants outside, and I’m also not very good at giving surprises. But i’ll usually try to get the item for her if she tells me on the spot.
Apparently, this seems to be a deal breaker for her..?
I am also a guy who has dreams of saving the environment, tons of hobbies (1/3 of my salary spent here – pets, miniature modelling and nutrition) and is very work oriented.. and hence when I am doing something, I tend to be in my own world at times, leaving my girlfriend unattended (We video call most of the time when we are apart. But I’d disappear from the screen for most of the time due to working out, helping my younger sis with her studies/ relationship issues, and my parents relationship/housework issues too. Usually I’d forget to inform my gf before disappearing.)
I don’t talk to anyone else too, except for my girlfriend and my circle of uncle friends ranging from age 40s and above. (met from my hobbies/school/work) No communication with females and no social media is used on my end too.. therefore there shouldn’t be any jealousy too.. (her sisters said that I will attract/find other females in uni..)
At this moment of time, as a 21yo nsf, I felt like my maximum expenditure on a relationship shouldn’t be more than 1/3 of my salary.. which is about 300.. as I’d still have to fund my university studies.. (nus college fyi) and possibly also to save up for housing as my gf is unemployed as of now.. Nevertheless, I have been paying for her meals, movie tickets, deliveries, and her necessities sometimes. In addition, I purchase additional nutritional items like protein bars and powder for her which she could prepare without cooking.
Over the past few months, her parents have been questioning me about marriage with her too.. which brings about the issue with the cost of the ring, marriage ceremony, BTO etc. (I do have quite a bit of money to sustain these due to previous competitions/awards and work) When all this problems added up, I felt that I had to cut back on my spending with her.. leading to me asking to split the bill maybe every 1/10 times? And when I do so, she says that I am stingy and that she didn’t ask me to split the bill in the past when she bought me gifts/treated me food. If for e.g she paid $25.50 for an item and I transferred her $12.75, is that considered stingy?
Just a few days ago, she said she wanted to take a short break (this is the 2nd time, first was in 2021) from the relationship because she was tired from the quarrels we had almost every week for the past 3 mths, because I wasn’t sensitive enough to notice what she wanted/needed..? She began sounding annoyed whenever I called her, and only focusing on playing her mobile games, hanging up the call very quickly.
(Her necessities) She suffers from some eye and gastric issues which I bought her some medicated eye patches and eye drops for her eye. As for her gastric I bought her cereals, milk, bread, protein powders/bars to keep her sustained without having to cook or heading out to buy food.. Apparently she doesn’t want to eat all these as to her it’s not filling.. if she can’t cook, head out to buy food, and doesn’t want to eat the food I bought when I’m not around on the weekdays, I’m really unsure what else I could do..
I understand that this is quite a small issue compared to many that others are experiencing out there.. hence I really hope I can have some advice on what to do here.. ????????
I have some questions too..
1) Is it considered selfish of me to hold on to her if I have many aspirations/things to do?
2) Should I just give her the short break she wanted?
3) Am I a bad boyfriend if I Ieft her alone now?