i lost my virginity at a massage parlor at 18 and i feel so much shame
when i was 18, i went with a few friends to a massage parlor in JB to lose my virginity. The girl that I chose led me into the room.
i was really nervous, and she told me to have a shower, i hopped in the shower and showered and put my boxers back on, she came back into the room after i was done.
she then grabbed my pants and pulled them down, and she massaged me on the table when i was lying face down, and then i flipped over and she saw my D at full attention, she then put a condom on and blew me.
after i f her and came super quickly. the whole experience blew my mind, she was really genuinely nice to me and said how handsome i was ( I know she is getting paid but it was still nice)
I have a long history of suffering from extreme anxiety, and this experience was basically the first time in my life anyone had shown me any affection (again, I know it’s paid but still) and at the time it really did help me overcome my fear of talking to women and it gave me a lot more confidence.
I went back two more times to massage parlors after that day, and again when I was in Thailand I brought two prostitutes back to my hotel room
At the time, I thought this was acceptable behaviour, as I have been doing a lot of inward reflection I have come to the conclusion that this is not acceptable at all and the whole thing is just damaging in a lot of ways to both parties involved.
and it pains me, because this can’t really be talked about openly with anyone around me. it has put me in a little bit of a world of my own.
I am crippled by feelings of shame over my decision to use escorts. I know that I was doing my best with the information and mental state I had at the time, but it is still shameful. and when I think about forming relationships with girls and dating, it’s saddening to me that this is part of my past.
I don’t know how this will be received by girls, and overall I am just sad at the moment at myself.
life has been exceptionally difficult for me for a long time, it feels like I have had to fight tooth and claw to even get to where I am mentally at the moment but it hurts when you have things part of your past that can’t be changed.