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Friday, January 27, 2023
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LACTOSE INTOLERANT MAN ACCIDENTALLY DRANK MILK, THEN LAOSAI IN HIS PANTS AT THE MALL

For context I have lactose intolerance and I’m a big coffee drinker.

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Anyway, I go to Starbucks and I get my usual with dairy free milk. I feel I always have to make it extra clear that I can only have dairy free milk or else I reap the consequences.

Now, I can’t necessarily say to the barista “please make sure it’s dairy free milk otherwise in 20 minutes I will be on the toilet while my butt burns in pain as liquid flows through me” as that might be too vulgar, right?

However, it is a very thin line between you not crapping your pants vs you crapping your pants. Sometimes they don’t pay attention as to what’s written on the cup and they simply forget, and you also don’t wanna be the customer to micro manage them and say “uhmmmm you sure this isn’t whole milk?” anyway, I digress.

Didn’t pay attention either to make sure they didn’t grab the whole milk. I drank my coffee while walking and window shopping when all of a sudden I feel the guttural sound in my bowels and immediately think “oh no”

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I rush to the toilets on the first floor, just my luck it’s closed for cleaning. I hop on thé elevator quickly to go one floor up but the elevator goes one floor down to pick someone up and of course said person has to stop at the ground floor once more.

We reach the ground floor a second time and people keep getting on and the elevator doors won’t close and at this point I’m clenching my butt so hard I’m quite sure everyone can hear it.

The elevator doors close and we finally go one floor up and at this point I start believing in god talking to myself “please dear god don’t let me shit myself in front of everyone in the elevator”

my bowels were churning by this point, my face started sweating, it wasn’t going well.

Take into account this all happened within a matter of 2-3 minutes but to me every second felt like an eternity. I rush out of the elevator trying not to speed walk to make it obvious, reach the washroom, and sprint to the first toilet I see.

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I hate sitting on public toilet so I’m building a birds nest with toilet paper (trying to anyway). This is where I made my grave mistake. I should’ve just pulled my pants down and sat on the toilet. I would’ve made it had I not done that.

So yeah, had it not been for the barista that gave me whole milk, for the man that had to make the elevator stop twice, for the amount of people holding up the elevator as well…I wouldn’t be here telling this story.

I’d like to finish this story by saying this is the second time this year this has happened.

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