Am I the reason for my loneliness?
It hit me today that I am the problem – close to no friends, unfulfilled at work, little to no hobbies, poor socialising skills. I can’t seem to be genuinely interested in the conversations my friends and colleagues have, which mostly revolves around their interior designer, their new BTO/resales, their partners, their weddings, their children, the latest movies or K-dramas, sh-t happening at work, sh-t happening at home, sh-t in general.
Nothing wrong with the convo topics – it just doesn’t interest me enough. I don’t even join my team members for lunch anymore. Can’t bring myself to laugh and smile when I don’t feel like it. It makes me so tired after that.
They tend to eat at pretty expensive places too (expensive to me at least, $10+) and my unresolved anxieties around spending money is not helping.
Nowadays I just stay home and cry. I cry to feel tired and groggy so I can sleep more easily at night. When I have to head back to office and I hear laughter and convos all ard me that I’m not part of (and actually have no real desire to be part of too but the fomo still hits hard) I end up quietly tearing up at my desk.
I could just walk over to their desks and slot myself into their convos but that’s really not something I want to do. They are great people tbh, just not my people.
I know this self-isolation is just going to lead to more loneliness but i just can’t seem to find people i genuinely look forward to spending time with. I just feel hollow and empty all the time.
It sucks to be neurodivergent – I want to feel connected to others and feel a sense of belonging too but why can’t I seem to find a community I can look forward to?
Have visited IMH, have tried private therapy, have reached out to my family for support but realised the problem lies within me but I don’t know how to start solving the problem.
I know I can take steps to be less lonely – join more gatherings, go to meetup.com to find clubs or groups to join, go into office more often and interact with my colleagues, stop isolating myself, stop being so frugal (but how not to be in this economy), be more open to new people and their quirks and just allow things to unfold as they do, and continue to seek therapy, etc but I’m just tired of having to try this hard (I know, I should still try nonetheless).
What if I’m just… too different and deviant to be part of any group and I never learn to be comfortable with my own solitude? Most of my friends are happily attached (I’m 27F btw) and those who are single have passions and hobbies and career goals that keeps them preoccupied.
I think a sense of connection and belongingness should come naturally, right? If I have to force myself to feel positively about the people I’m spending time with, then that’s a sign that they may not be the right fit for me isn’t it? But if I’m consistently feeling like this towards the people I meet then I must be the problem?
Ok, sorry for the long post. I’m just feeling a lot of existential loneliness right now and it hurts to wake up everyday tbh. I know there are many other lonely people looking for companionship out there (I’ve actually reached out to a few people on the friend-making threads here but nothing much happened) but it really takes more than mutual loneliness to grow and sustain friendship/human relationship.
If there’s no vibes then there’s just no vibes but it seems like I have zero vibes with everyone and I don’t know how to cultivate vibes while still preserving my identity/authenticity. I’m so envious of people who have strong support system they can fall back on, and people whose company they genuinely enjoy.
Is there still hope for someone like me?