I got jio-ed out by this group of younger acquaintance YPs to “relax and have a few drinks” after a long week. I thought okay la, quite a while since I went to a bar, just go down, order a few jugs, talk cock, and destress.
Biggest mistake of my life, sia.
The Forensic Audit of the Beer Jug
We ordered two jugs of Tiger to share among five people. Normal right? Usually, you just pour, drink, and when the bill comes, you just divide by five and PayNow. Fast, efficient, chin chai.
But no. The moment the first jug landed on the table, the vibe instantly died. These YPs started eyeing the glasses like they were custom officers checking for contraband.
- The Foam Inspector: One guy literally adjusted his glasses, looked at my cup, and said, “Eh bro, your head of foam very thin leh. That means your actual liquid volume is higher than mine. My one all foam, so technically you drinking more.”
- The Sip Counter: Another one was sitting there tracking everyone’s throat movements. “Eh, you took three big gulps just now but I only took two small sips. We need to keep track ah, later bill hard to split.”
KNN, I was completely stunned. I thought I was at a bar, but apparently, I accidentally walked into an O-Level A-Math practical exam.
The PayNow Calculus Nightmare
The real mental illness started when the bill came. It was around $120+ total. A normal human being would just say “$25 each person, just send me.”
Instead, this one fella opens his phone Notes app and starts doing complex fluid dynamics calculus.
“Okay guys, the jug is 1.5 liters, which is 1500ml. Total we got 3000ml. Jerry, you went toilet twice, so you missed the third round of pouring, which means you only drank around 450ml. But wait, you ate two pieces of the free cassava chips, so we must factor in the snack tax. Meanwhile, bro over here drank 5ml more than me because his ice melted faster and diluted his portion, increasing his total volume…”
Eh, hello?! Siao ah?!
They were literally arguing over who drank 5ml or 10ml more. They wanted to split the bill down to the exact milliliter and cent. “Eh you drank 5ml more than me, you PayNow me 45 cents more.” I was sitting there just staring at my empty glass, wishing the ground would swallow me whole. The amount of energy they spent calculating could have been used to go find a proper job.
My Solution for Next Time
If you are so painfully kiam siap (stingy) and broke that you need to measure your alcohol consumption like it’s a medical prescription, PLEASE JUST STAY AT HOME AND DRINK PUB TAP WATER.
Don’t come out and ruin the entire vibe for everyone else. Going out to drink is supposed to be relax mah! There is absolutely no way to perfectly calculate who drink more or less unless we drink from syringes.
Next time if this group jio me again, I am going to bring:
- A graduated measuring cylinder (to pour the exact 250ml per person).
- A digital weighing scale (to weigh the tare weight of the glasses).
- A stopwatch (to time how long the beer stays in our mouths before swallowing, just in case of sublingual absorption differences).
Seriously, if you want to be an auditor, go apply at KPMG or EY, don’t come to the bistro. Unbelievable sia.