Intrusive thoughts and how to cope with them
I am and have been coping with very intrusive thoughts for a very long time now and I’m hoping to find a solution before things escalate out of hands. Unfortunately, therapy is out of question due to reasons I will point out in this post.
I am in my late 20s and come from a rather privileged background – I have been working for my father in an investment firm. While my job is quite stressful, I have several sources of resources that make my life quite manageable. Unfortunately, I was raised in an environment where money, status, and, image matters above everything. To some extent, this upbringing has moulded me to be who I am today – I am not faulting my upbringing completely but it is not entirely faultless.
I live in my own apartment that was paid for by my family when I suggested that living together in the family house was getting to suppressing and I needed my own space. I have a PA that does most of the leg work and procurement of things I need, things I do, and places I go to. I take good care of my health and don’t drink or smoke – much to the chagrin of my pals. I am attached with a girlfriend but she doesn’t seem to bring much joy or purpose in my life, we meet twice a week and do regular couple stuff. She is a little upset that I don’t ask her to move in with me but I have laid the ground rules very early on in our relationship that my private sanctum is absolutely crucial to me. Our sex life is nothing to write home about, I usually go through the motions as I find it void of passion and it doesn’t terribly bring excitement.
What brings excitement and joy to me are my intrusive thoughts and some of which i regularly give in to and act upon. I find extreme pleasure in dominance and deliverance of pain, and I exercise this in the form of paid escorts. There are services that I can do with next to no need of holding back and I can, to put in crudely, do anything I want to these women and men. I am able to slap, choke, and basically deliver pain with consent and my orgasms are extremely gratifying. I am never able to feel such pleasures with my girlfriend and this was my personal brand of heroin for some time.
After a while, it started to wane as I somehow realised that it was staged to some extent and I’m just lying to myself that I am in control. Not long after, I found a new addiction – drawing blood from strangers. I was invited to play football and basketball by an acquaintance of mine – I would normally never partake in such activities as it involved getting physical with commoners( I apologise for this – I was brought up not fraternise with the common folks). However, I need a specific watch which I am unable to purchase and this wankstain guy has it – I needed to entertain him to get him to sell it to me. It was then when I realised I could essentially ‘accidentally’ elbow a guy right in his nose drawing blood! I would simply offer to pay his medical bills which was usually a mere couple of hundreds – bloody amazing!
I had to rotate between different groups of different sports to not draw attention but I am pretty good at it I believe. After doing so, I would meet my girlfriend or an escort and it would be a heavenly sexual experience. It has been my addiction for a while now.
I have other intrusive thoughts such as wondering how would the ‘cocky finance bros who laughably think their Rolexes and Beemers elevate their standing’ would feel if I were to bend them over and brutally destroy them from behind, making them feel like they are being broken in half. At times, I get annoyed by the geriatric employees who seem to be extremely backward in their thinking and traditional beliefs. I have intrusive thoughts that make me wonder if they would expire if I am able to deliver a punch to their sternum.
I am worried that these intrusive thoughts take over me and get me into depths of hell that I will never be able to get out of.
I acknowledge I am addicted to pain and suffering but I know, on some levels, this is not right. How do I address this? If knowledge of visiting a therapist in make known to my family or social circle, my life is essentially over.