Looking for wisdom- how do you know someone is the one for you?
Hi folks, throwaway for good reason. I (25+m) have been with my gf (25+f) for over 7 years. We have a BTO in construction and coming due soon. We are both working.
Things between us are alright, we meet up and hang out 1x -2x a week but it’s like if I don’t meet her I don’t feel bothered. Over the years we’ve had only a few major fights but nothing due to serious red flags or infidelity, but more over instances of poor communication.
7 years + feels like a long time, and the spark and excitement have faded, all lf which happens naturally I suppose? I would go so far as to call it stale. While we both deeply care for one another, i just dont feel drawn to her as much. Ive tried various ways of reigniting the spark but it doesnt seem to work. I don’t get excited when I’m with her and that worries me. Should i feel this empty?
Seeing as marriage is very likely the next step for us, I wanted to hear other perspectives on what I might be going through and what can be done here. Thoughts, questions and opinions welcome. Thanks!
- Let’s say you find or meet someone new, in another 7 years this “stale feeling” repeats and happens. So imo, love really is a choice and commitment. Try and remember the good times and the things you love about her.
- (OP) Thank you – I have had attention and received affection from others in ways that my current partner does not give me and have rejected those advances. I choose her and have committed to her but I can’t help feeling empty or that lack of excitement despite all the self-psycho I’ve engaged in. What more can I do?
- Is there something you desire in your current partner that you feel she’s not giving..? Something that hindered the attraction and interest. There must be something, somewhere along the line something changed. Communicate this with her, ask for what you need and see if things can be worked out. Communicate your love languages.
- Aiya u will only feel euphoric in a new relationship when the cake is fresh out of oven. Passion fades as do every excitement for newly bought items (watch, car, shoes etc). Even if u feel passionate all the time, then that will be eventually feel like the new normal..
Partner in life is supposed to let u feel comfortable when u r around them without experiencing constant emotional roller coaster. It should be someone u can count on n trust with ur life. Having chemistry and sharing interest will be a blessing.
- (OP) Thanks for this. I am aware of how the spark fizzles out with time. I am comfortable and myself when I am with her. I just don’t feel the excitement or “happiness”, almost like if she were not around, all would still be well. I am partly to blame because I am so independent, that she doesn’t form a big part of my life by any measure.
- OP, judging from your replies it sounds like you really want someone to tell you to leave her 💀 You always seem to emphasize how much she makes you feel nothing, and how happy you are without her. There seems to be some self-righteousness when you say it’s “scary” that you don’t care. Scary for who? You seem to be very proud of how little you care and feel for your partner. You say that your main issues have been about communication in the past and this issue seems to be potential for another huge lapse.
I wish I saw more comments here valuing your partner’s feelings. She is as much part of this relationship as you are and she deserves to know if her partner is feeling the way you do.
I agree with many other comments saying that love involves choice. Relationships are largely compromise in the long run. However, if you value your independence as much as it sounds like, you are right to have second thoughts about this relationship. You need to think about your priorities and respect for your partner and decide accordingly, ego aside. Once you decide, commit. This is the rest of two lives.
I’m not meaning to be harsh but thought I could contribute perspective. Best of luck OP.