My Wife Sleeps Like An A-hole
To start:
I love this woman more than life itself. She is the most selfless, supportive, and loving person I have ever met. Every single day I am with her I am a better person for it. That being said:
She sleeps like an a-hole.
We start all cuddled up like a Disney movie, snug as a bug in a rug. And then, when she falls asleep, we begin the nightly turf war that is our bed.
She will often start with a classic starfish maneuver, spreading her arms and legs to establish a beach head to begin her insurgence.
She will then begin to slowly rotate her body in a counter clockwise fashion, until she is sleeping diagonally across the bed, establishing an ingress with her feet and legs.
Then, with a classic pincer executed as ruthlessly as Hannibal himself, she brings her upper body forward, pinning me in and leaving me exactly 2 inches for my insomniac ass to try and sleep on.
I then try to slowly slide out of bed, and sleep on her side, in which her reaction is to do the same thing 5 minutes later.
I have tried everything. We bought a California King for our tiny bedroom. I establish a green zone with pillows. I have even gently picked her up and slid her to her side, to no avail.
The thing is, I can’t sleep in an empty bed anymore because I love this dummy so much. It has literally kept me up nights that I end up going to work with no sleep, and I can only sleep the next night out of sheer exhaustion. She also works hard, so I can’t wake her up but f I am so damn f-ing tired man