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Tuesday, November 29, 2022


Do I have any obligations to put up with her demands and prioritize her feelings while she always ignores mine? Need advice (Long story)


I met this girl 29F, L. in a part-time degree course back in 2020.

Due to covid restrictions and lockdowns globally. Our degree is being held online for all lessons and assessments. She asked me “if it was ok to give her my notes and if she would buy me a meal as an appreciation,” to which I agreed since they were just my lesson notes.

Then we started casual chatting about work and stuff. She sounded very worried about earning the degree. I decided to share with her that due to my past working experiences, I am in a “senior role” in my career to assure her it would be fine. (Not boosting, but it will make sense later).

Eventually, we sort of agreed to be “fixed assignment teammates.” I find it great as it is best to work with people with whom I am familiar. During our first assignment, teamwork (Jan 2021), she confided with me that she is being “targeted at work” and has to OT a lot, which is normal working in a Japanese firm.


And I gladly helped her with her portion since it would affect my grading in the same team.

After working together and chatting for about 2 months (Mar 2021), I realized I had a bit of feeling for her. She also sensed it and asked if I liked her. At that time, I thought it was an appreciation or a crush, and I explained how I felt to her. She also said she was glad I did not like her, and she did not want to have a bf ATM, which is honestly kind of disappointing but was acceptable to me back then.

In May 2021, we needed to form a group of 4 for an assignment. In the class group chat. She saw two random guys looking for a team to join. She dm me to grab them while I told her not to rush. Since I am somewhat sceptical about inviting “unknown” people, I have a good direction on how to score for the assignments due to my working experiences and have classmates approaching me to join/invite me regularly.

As I, too, understood, L might not be able to contribute to the assignment due to her job commitments (since it has happened a few times before). If I end up having to “carry ” the other 2 guys too if they are “free-rider” due to a horrible experience I had previously.

I spotted another female classmate, E (who does not have any classmate complaints about being a non-contributor before), and I dm and invited her over to my team. E agreed and quit her (random) team to join us, and I informed L. then L replied, “you purposely/want to find girl one, is it?” which to me is baffling.


Still, I replied, “I got you enough already.” And justified my decision, “since E is working in a financial institution, our module is Investment, it will be beneficial to have someone working In the investment line of work.” then L starts showing attitude, etc. I wonder on what grounds are you commenting I find a girl when you are not even my GF and turned me down before?

This honestly contradicts her earlier statement on not wanting a bf to turn me down. Then she left the team and joined another team B, without saying a word, and I am forced to explain to the others and try to find a replacement at the last minute. However, when her team B needed her to contribute to the assignment, she dm me and asked me how to do it and said she was stressed out at work due to OT. I said I would help her do it since I felt partially guilty about making her upset and leaving my assignment team. She promised to buy me a meal as thanks when the covid restriction eased.

Eventually, about 2 months later, I confessed that I liked her at this point. She made it a point to tell me; she is not interested in having a bf, and that she sees me as a friend. The debt of meals became 7 (yes, that is how much work I put in for her degree by writing her assignments for her while working full time and doing my degree. but I also assure her it’s not a big deal and (lied) I am not tired/busy to do it because I do not want her to feel guilty about it and see no point in making her beat herself up for not helping at all. And she is the one who insists on treating me while to me; I just treat it as me being considerate of her circumstances and being nice to the girl I like).

While I also have to console her emotions when she’s upset over someone or something else almost every alternate day, and she will shoot me down, saying “I making her uncomfortable” if I say something that she doesn’t want to hear while throwing all her emotions and expecting me to hear her out and console her properly.

Then came, a day before an exam (Aug 2021), she took her 2nd vaccine shot and felt terrible due to the side effects. she asked me at 10 pm, “is it ok for her not to take the exam at 9 am the next day?” which honestly bewildered me, I am just another student just like her.

I should not tell her “No” since it will sound like I am forcing her to take her exams while feverish and I am not caring to her, and I cannot say “yes” since I am not a unit coordinator from the Uni. I felt pushed to a corner. I gave her half a yes and no answer so she could decide for herself, then she got annoyed, and we argued, while I told her I was not her bf. I should not even be telling her what to do. it’s her own decision and responsibility to face, and I can’t take any responsibility if the Uni rejects her MC for a sup exam. She shot me down, saying, “I am feeling terrible, and if you can tell me it’s fine not to go, you will just be assuring me.” Then go on to tell me that she showed her gfs our chat, and they all said I am the one at fault to guilt-trip me. After a cold war of about 2 weeks, we began talking again.

While we planned to meet up after restriction ease, I will joke about it being a date. Mostly she will cancel the plan due to various reasons, and I obliged and not losing my temper/patience with her for the consistent cancellation because I understand she is stressed/tired from work, and she has shown me some SS and emails her boss wrote to her (which I did not even need her to prove it). Until she had a heart-to-heart talk one day. Saying she finds me very true and genuine, but later she said that I helped her because I got some motives regardless of good or bad, which frankly hurts, and I lost my cool, and she insisted I am twisting her words until I quoted what she said to another male classmate in a private chat (w/o disclosing who she is and I want someone unbiased so she wouldn’t argue about my personal friends is siding me) and he said “bro, I will feel like shit, and I have gotten this before as well from the girl I like” and I SS that chat and send her. Only then she apologized but it was very disheartening that she felt this way all along when I am doing my absolute best without asking for anything in return over the past 2 years (never made any request to her).

Dec 2021, after I completed my degree and she got another last trimester to go on, I decided it is best to distance myself since I see this is going nowhere for me being her bf. So, I stopped talking entirely, 3 months later, she dm me and asked if I could help her, still having a bit of feeling for her, and I knew deep down she got no one else to approach, so I agreed.

Once again, she promised a meal as appreciation; after she graduated, our chat changed to daily about work or her holidays & gfs/emotional matters, which I consoled her mostly. Once, she called me panicking about oversleeping for a 10 am meeting while her boss was exploding in her job group chat. Usually, girls will call the guy they find security when they are panicking. And I finally felt that “I am seeing some progress here since we usually only talk in zoom sessions 1 to 1, and this is the first time she called me when she’s at loss at what to do.” Then she went into full-on depression mode, saying things like giving up working a proper career and being a sugar baby will be easier and so forth, which was truly depressing for me to hear, so I got emotional as well. Then we had an argument. Then I ended the chat by saying that I trust her to be mature and do the “right” thing fully. Then her “profile pic” disappeared. I knew she deleted my contact on WhatsApp. (Later, she lied that she had never saved my contact. But I did not expose her lies).

After a few days of us not talking (usually, it is a daily thing we check up on each other, and she is usually the one who initiates the chat nowadays).


She explained herself that she just said those out of a fit, and I assured her that I understood and would not let it affect my opinion of her (she is very sensitive to people judging her). and her chat has become more demanding after her graduation., Need to tip/advise her with her job interview questions since I know more about budgeting and financing due to early exposure in my career. Help to console her and straighten her thoughts whenever she is feeling down and hear her rant about her work and even throw attitudes at me if I say something that she deems making her uncomfortable. Expecting me to prioritize her feelings when I am apparently annoyed by her sometimes and reminding me that we are just friends. and I told her, “I am considering “disappearing” from her life because it just seems like getting me nowhere for continuing after 2.5years, but I would like to meet up just once to end this on a good term to finally put a face to the name.

Recently, we finally decided on a day to finally meet up.

Out of the blue, she “informed” me that her gf would be coming as she was “uncomfortable” meeting me alone for HDL. This surprised me because I was always under the impression that it would just be me and her. But as a guy, I agreed since it would make her feel more comfortable, but I am annoyed she invited her gf without asking me first (I believe I deserve basic respect, esp this meal, is she who wants to repay my kindness). We ended up arguing again, and I finally spoke my mind that I felt “she been making use of me.” changing our meet-up on a whim or just canceling on me and expecting me to be “understanding,” citing she is uncomfortable (every single time to shoot me down) to meet me alone and telling me that “you are just there for the food” while she did mention before, she will meet other guys and leave after a meal.

But she could not do the same for me after 2+ years of interaction? she got upset about me, saying she had been using me. and blamed me for saying that, and once again shot me down by saying, “you helped me because?” right after saying, “I do not have any obligation to help her,” and blocked me. Am I too much to say that she made use of me for her attaining her degree and emotional needs?

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