My k-drama-ish life
We met when we were 19. We studied in a now defunct private institution, and she was a foreign student here. And it so happened that while being school mates, we went to the same church, and somehow these similarities brought made us closer and eventually got together.
Upon graduating, I had to serve my NS while she started to try look for a job in Singapore. But back then, it was pretty hard for a foreigner to find a job here as a fresh grad, with a private institution diploma. So bo bian, she had to go back to her country. I think somehow being young, we thought it would be easy to do long distance, since I’m in the army, so we won’t see each other much anyways. So all my pathetic NS leaves were taken to fly over to spend time with her, and she would occasionally fly over to spend time with me. I met her parents when I’m there, and they loved me, even till this day. I mean my parents liked her as well la, but they probably don’t remember who she is now. So you all can guess la, army boy doing long distance with a girl who is not coming back to Singapore…eventually we broke up. And for the next 6 months, we kinda stopped contacting each other.
When I ORD-ed and was looking for a job, I decided to just text her and see how she’s doing. We talked about our relationship and decided that this LDR thing is not going to work for us, because both of us are very needy people. So down the road, we kept in contact, and often visited each other at our home country. We shared everything with each other. What’s happening in our lives, what is our latest obsession, who are we seeing and all. Funnily enough, our benchmark for our respective partners were always each other. And these went on for 10 years.
In these 10 years, she’s broken up with the 4 guys she dated when they asked, it’s him or me. And she chose me. For myself, I was unaware of all that and were living my best life, going out to parties and meeting people, just having fun. While doing all these, I never stopped loving her but I started to take her for granted. From her last 4 relationships, I always thought that, any guy that comes into her life will eventually break up with her because of me. Again, I was wrong. She decided to give this guy a chance because he was there for her. When she was sick, he would bring food to her, take her to the doctor and was just there for her. And this time, she decided not to let him know about my existence. But even so, while dating him, we had plans to go for a holiday together with her sister, whom I am very close with. But due to some health reason, I couldn’t make the trip and had to forfeit my flight and hotel.
One fine day, when I was sitting at my desk at work. I received a call from her saying, “he proposed, and I said yes.” That moment is still so vivid in my mind because I remember we were silent on the phone for maybe a good minute. Like she was waiting for me to say something, and the only thing I said is, “congratulations, I am so happy for you.” At that moment, I hated myself for saying that and just hang up the phone. What happened to “it’s either him or me?” That was my comfort when I knew she was dating someone. I’m not saying it’s her fault or anything, because it is my fault for having that kind of rationale. So obviously I was invited to the wedding. I told her I’ll be there definitely. But then, I started to take up more projects that I can handle closer to her wedding so I can say, I’m stuck with work and I missed my flight kind of bullshit. But the truth is I can’t bear to see the love of my life marry someone else. But of cause in the end, I told her the truth. I told her it is not a wedding I can attend, because attending that wedding would hurt more than anything else.
After she got married, I’ve decided to keep my distance, because she is a married woman now. I stopped my yearly visit but would still host and spend some time with her whenever she is in Singapore.
Fast forward a few years later, Covid happened. Travels stopped. She couldn’t come to Singapore. And this is the longest period we didn’t see each other in person at all. Good thing is we kinda stopped talking and only messaged each other when something huge happened. Like a death in the family, or happy birthdays that sort of things. I thought that I have let go of this whole thing.
Last year when travel resumed. Her sister made a trip to Singapore for work and we met. The first thing she said to me when we met is to ask me, why didn’t I make that trip with them? I was quite surprised as I thought that we wanted to go holiday, but I was sick, I couldnt go, end of story, as simple as that. And over drinks, she told me that her sister was unsure about this guy. She dated him, accepted his proposal out of expectations. People expect her to be married at that age and not waiting for some guy whom have not even made the slightest move of trying to make this work. And the whole trip was so she could see me, spend time with me and decide if I am really the one. Old feelings started to surface. Regrets and sadness came over me when I realized that.
That night when I got home, I immediately asked her if that’s true. And we had a long talk. She told me she was unhappy In her marriage. She’s only holding on to it because they have a kid. And we both made our feelings clear. She was my soulmate and I was hers. After so many years, we’ve never stopped loving each other. One took the whole thing for granted, and the other was too stubborn to make the first move, and just like this, we’ve missed each other for more than 10 years.
This year, 6 months have passed. She’s been to Singapore 3 times. Out of the 3 times, 2 was for work and only the most recent trip were for leisure. I managed to squeeze time out for her Everytime she’s here, and the very last trip, we left things at a very ambiguous situation. I know things with her husband is not going well. But I couldn’t do anything because I don’t want to be that guy. But knowing her, she don’t want to be the bad person, and she was low key hoping that I would make the move so I’ll be the bad person. Everytime we talk about what exactly are we doing, her answer will be, no matter what the future will be, you’re the person I want to grow old with.
We are both in our mid-thirties now. And I couldn’t possibly be sitting around waiting for things to end up badly with her husband, that is just not right. But then somewhere in my heart, I am still looking forward to a life with her.
Not seeking any advice or what, but I just wanna rant.