At what point do I (30F) give up trying to talk to my partner (32M) about marriage?
So I’ve been with my partner over 3 years. I moved in after a year and things have always been great. The only thing we have ever had any awkwardness about is the topic of engagement and marriage.
I have asked him several times to basically confirm that he wants marriage and kids long term because that’s what I want and I’m conscious that I’m not getting any younger. He has always said yes.
Last year we went away for an amazing vacation and I brought up getting married. He was really straight with me and said he wasn’t ready. I thought that was fair and moved on.
We’re a year on now though and I feel like I can’t even talk to him about it because he gets so uncomfortable but I’m now getting really paranoid that he’s going to decide he doesn’t want marriage and I’ll have wasted years on a relationship that isn’t going where I would like.
I get not being ready but at 32 and over 3 years in, with literally everyone around us getting married, I’m starting to think: is it me? Should I just give up bringing it up and hope that everything works out?
Netizens’ comments
I really don’t have any advice for you. All I can share with you is my own personal experience. I was with a man for a total of seven years. We talked about marriage once in a serious context and kids and he said that he didn’t want to get married because it was for the “masses“, and that kids only dragged you down. After I broke up with him, he did everything he possibly could to get me back, including telling me that he was going to propose to me when we were on a trip, but it wasn’t “romantic” enough. Mind you this is coming from a man who was not really romantic, and didn’t like to use the word love because “everyone uses it“. Which I see now looking back at it as just a copout and very childish behavior. After we broke up and he started saying how he had this five-year plan for us, I told him we never talked about marriage because it always made him uncomfortable, and he certainly didn’t let me in on his five-year plan. In the end, I realized that he was not the man for me and I needed someone who was comfortable with their feelings and who could say I love you and be an adult about relationships.
I wound up meeting an incredible man who is currently my husband, we were talking about getting married after about a year of being together, there was never any uncomfortableness or awkwardness between us regarding marriage. We knew that we would get married, we even figured out where we wanted to get married before he even proposed. We were both in our late thirties/early 40s.
My ex got married to another woman, they don’t have kids, but I realized it wasn’t marriage that my ex didn’t want, it was marriage with me. Sometimes a relationship just isn’t right for you, it’s not wasting time, however, I view past relationships as opportunities to learn and grow. And eventually you’ll grow and become your own person and you’ll find that person that matches your growth.
I hope you find what you want in your life and your relationship and that your boyfriend also figures it out and you can work it out together whether that means getting married or not. But you should never be afraid or uncomfortable to talk about your feelings and needs, that’s what a good relationship has. Is someone who will listen to those needs and discuss them with you even if it’s uncomfortable.