How do I ask my wife of 31 years that I want a divorce because of an affair she had 11 years ago (56m) (51f)
My wife fell in love with her trainer and had an affair 11 years ago. I caught her on Facebook messenger and after the usual denial she came clean with all the details.
A lot of texting and emails. I was able to retrieve them-which showed her to be the aggressor. In the short time she said they had one encounter with him performing oral on her she says she didn’t reciprocate, it was only the one time.
Highly suspect and I didn’t believe her. I made her take a lie detector test which she passed but non conclusive. As per my Dr’s recommendation I had her get an STD and hepatitis test which I did as well and all were negative. I was thinking about having the kids tested to see if they are all mine, but I’m not ready for that.
Fast forward 11 years and she has been an excellent wife very regretful (I believe this was a one time mistake but who knows), went to counselling, communicates ok. and I have not been the best (triggers along the way). My intentions was to make the relationship work but after about three years I knew I couldn’t get over the affair.
I stayed for our kids who were all young but have now grown up. I didn’t want to fight with a new father figure in my kids life so I held on. The problem is I can’t get over the affair and the fact that they were both married with children.
Based on my wife’s personality, If I didn’t catch them this would have been a very long term affair. Because of this I am unable to build the same connection (bonding)with my wife. My perception of her has changed and I’m unable to connect with her on a deep trusting level.
The fact that she fell in love and communicated like I would have liked to be communicated to is also a deciding factor. I must admit that I’m a little jealous of the communication that the trainer received from my wife, something in the 31 years of marriage I have never received.
When I specifically asked her on this she told me “it was school girl stuff and that I shouldn’t read into it” and that it “took a lot of energy”. Call me old fashion, but validating and reenforcing the importance of your new affair partner is to your life and happiness is something that should be reserved for your spouse.
Before the affair she was non communicative and just a very cold person. I know it takes two for a marriage and after the affair we have done counselling together and separate, but I didn’t have the affair she did.
I did try to talk to her about our marriage long before it happened and actually confronted her about the trainer two weeks before the indiscretions but she decided to fast track it and make the choice to meet up and sleep with him.
My question is; I have been straight with her from the third year of resuming our relationship and told her this is temporary and at the end of the day we will be getting divorced and she needs to prepare herself.
She has separate credit cards and bank accounts now, which I had to push her to get. The issue I have is when I talk about divorce she gets hysterical and has trouble breathing which frighten’s me.
The last time I thought I was going to have to seriously call an ambulance. How would you break it to her as it’s been about a year since I last brought it up and our relationship is actually going great but I have to move on for my own well being (resentful, not trusting, not wanting to be married etc.)
I was thinking about asking her for a separation (no contact) first. Which might soften the realization that the relationship is over and then file for divorce.
Alternatively, I could file and get the papers served on her and don’t say anything (which I don’t think is fair) but she literally has trouble breathing when I talk about divorce. Any constructive advice or other options would be appreciated.