I’ve always felt like I’m disappointing my family.
Firstly, I’m gay and I knew that since I was 10. I did tell my mom about it eventually because I couldn’t keep it in anymore. I’ve never lied to my parents because I’ve always felt so guilty lying about something so big my whole life. One day it got the better of me and I told my parents on new years. That was the first time we had a heart to heart conversation.
A little surprisingly, my mother was “okay” with me being gay but hoped I wasn’t. I thought it would was all fine and stuff. Despite it all I would never be able to talk to her about stuff because I get all nervous and anxious about it. And when I do, she would shut me up telling me not to talk about it.
A year later, I was outed by my mom to my cousins, brother, god knows who knows now. And I can’t look at my family the same way I could in the past. I love my mother and I can’t bear to “hate” her for what she did. I’m so heartbroken for what happened and this was last year. All events happened a few years ago.
Last year, I met a guy who “caught feelings” for me. At first I was really surprised and didn’t want to start a relationship because I could never accept myself. When I wasn’t out, I believed that it wasn’t real. But slowly I decided to give it a try because I thought he was genuinely a nice guy. Turns out all along he was just experimenting with me and playing with my heart. I finally opened myself to try something and I was left heart broken in a matter of weeks. Currently, I have “PTSD” of even dating anyone. I’ve had a few people asking me out and I can’t bear the thought of saying yes. Till this day, I still think that everything is my fault.
I don’t dare to tell my parents these feelings I have because I don’t want to burden them with more issues. I was a problematic baby when I was born, a problematic teen for being gay and now I feel so anxious all the time fearing I might disappoint someone again. This year, my body couldn’t handle it anymore and I just started breaking down out of no where and this is still going on till this day. I’ve secretly went to counselling from school but I just can’t get what I want to say out. I’ve said some things but never really all of it. My last session with her, I left smiling pretending everything was fine. I haven’t seen her in a month. I’ve been making justifications and I think she also stopped texting me after asking for my dates thrice. I feel so bad I can’t even bear to text back.
I would really appreciate help on what to do because I’m so scared of getting help outside and I can’t bear to burden anyone with this issue.