I’m 40m and my wife is 34f, we have two children. We have been married for 12 years. I have very recently found out my wife has been having an affair with a woman.
It has broken my heart but I still want to fight for her and our marriage, for us and our children. I have told her I love her and am willing to do whatever I can to make this work, marriage counselling etc.
She says she is confused and doesn’t know if she is into women and it is messing with her head. They have only slept together twice but it has been going on for 3 months over text etc. I’ve put the decision into her. She has to decide.
I had previously said in other conversations that if someone one cheats then that’s it, there is no trust and no relationship. But it’s different now it has happened to me.
Should I wait for her to decide or just say that’s enough, for the sake of our kids and me. We divorce?
TL;DR Wife has had an affair with woman, should I stay or go after wife’s affair?
Netizens’ comments
- How would you respond if she were to have an affair with a man? Because something tells me you’re being more lenient due to her having slept with a woman.
It’s the same thing. She still fucked someone else and lied to you about it. It’s not less than having an affair with a man, two women sleeping together is not less than a man and a woman sleeping together, it is the same. The betrayal is the same.
I wouldn’t be able to come back from infidelity, personally. - Go. She had an affair. The fact that it was a woman doesn’t change that she cheated on you. She knew cheating would hurt you and break up the family. Either she thinks you’re stupid or she doesn’t value women enough as people to consider it cheating. I think it’s the former.
- If she’s confused about whether she wants to be with women more than she wants to be with you (since simply being into women doesn’t mean she needs to act on that, any more than she needs to act on the fact she’s capable of being attracted to other men), she can take that to therapy or do some self-reflection. She doesn’t need to be sleeping with someone else to figure it out.
And if her answer to being told “you can explore this or we can stay married, but you can’t have both” isn’t being fully willing to do what it takes to save the marriage, or at least to figuring out whether it can still be saved instead of wallowing in “I don’t know what I want,” then you really need to ask yourself what you’re holding out to save here.