I really had to think a long while before I could form my question because everything feels complicated. Before I go on, I must have a disclaimer that my mother is not a terrible mother, I have never felt like I wasn’t protected under her wings or that I couldn’t turn to her if I was having troubles in my life. She made many sacrifices to put the family ahead and I am grateful for that.
Now to the story, my mother is pretty opiniated about a lot of things and unfortunately most of the time I disagree with her due to personal reasons. It ranges from things like not using a microwave oven, putting your phone far away from your head when you sleep, not walking about with wet hair after shower to things that are considered ‘pantang’ or taboo like getting a tattoo, going home late at night (even though I freaking had to work till late and cab is expensive) and all the traditions that some of us are probably familiar with.
I would count it as a blessing that she does not stay with me as she’s based in Malaysia so after living with her rules for about 20 years I’ve shifted here and started to slowly do things that I like.
Thus, if I happen to go against her restrictions, she takes it personally because she thinks I did it solely to piss her off. Which is not true, it just so happens that she puts so many restrictions in life that its impossible to not hit something at some point or another.
There are many many examples over the years that usually ended up in us having an argument and her giving me the radio silence for a few months before talking to me again. Initially, I just let it slide even if I don’t concede to it, cause she’s entitled to her own opinion and I think we can still have a r/s with our differences. But she always grabs onto the issue and refuse to let go till she says her piece (I am arrogant, I think I know everything, why can’t I just listen for once) and even going to the extent of making me promise I “won’t do this again”.
After some time I’ve had enough, after I got married and got my own place, I started digging my foot down on certain things. She was furious that I got my first tattoo but it was my plan to eventually get a bigger one so when I did, I sent her a text to inform her that I like it and I hope she can respect that I can make my own decision. We were already on uneasy grounds because few months prior to me moving out, she threw a huge fuss about finding an auspicious date etc but it was during the freaking pandemic, my S/O and I were really looking forward to having our own space after months of delay on our house. I honestly couldn’t care less when I move in and I fail to see why we need to inconvenience our lives even more so in the current situation. So we moved in and that was the starting of this whole shaking ground we’re on. I had to tell her that no I might have own beliefs and it might not reflect the same as hers.
That did not go down well. I got off the phone feeling hurt cause she made it sound like I am a disappointment for her that I turned out like that.
But as you know after reading that chunk of text above, she called me one fine day and suddenly everything was fine again. Like I said, I love her and when she asked if she could crash in my place if she comes down to SG (I think I was going to be away that time) and offered to compensate me, I refused and told her to come and stay without worrying.
A few days later I remembered that I do not have a kettle at home and that I lack a flask to store hot water. The reason being that I use a hot water dispenser (it is my favourite appliance in the kitchen). Problem is, she was abhorrent against using that because according to her it causes health issue. She added a request that I stopped using it. Something in me snapped and I flat out told her no, I will not stop using it, I love that thing because it’s so convenient and if she has an issue she can bring her own kettle and flask.
You can probably guess what’s her reply. In short she basically said she won’t need to come and stay at my place anymore and I’m free to do whatever I want.
I know she didn’t mean it and she’s pissed at me again but I am so done with this hot and cold cycle. I am genuinely not trying to find an argument with her but I don’t know how else to deal with this. It is not like in western culture where you can just cut off contact, it’s just not acceptable in my family to do it even though everyone knew how difficult she can be.
Is this something many of you experience and are rebelling against? How can I tell her once and for all that if she’s going to throw another tantrum at me, this is the last time it will happen?