So back when I was teen it was discovered that my mom was carrying on an affair with another man. My dad ended up forgiving my mom and moving forward together. I held resentment for my mom for a real long time because how dare she do that to my dad. Hindsight is 20/20 though.
Well now as I am an adult (pushing 30) I can see their relationship for what it is. My dad is a great dad, absolutely wonderful, (although I can see the misogyny from how he was raised at that period of time). As a husband/ partner I can see how lousy he is. My mom is basically his mom too. She does ALL the cleaning in their house, he can’t be bothered to even wash a dish or clean up after himself, my mom does it all. The mental load, she’s takes it all. Keeping track of groceries they need for the next shopping trip. She’s in charge of paying all the bills, cooking the meals. Oh and she still has to work her regular job full time (45+ hours a week). My dads health isn’t the greatest, so my mom has also become his nurse when he is ill, managing the myriad of his medications & general health. Also, she cares for my grandma as she is sick too with a couple diseases so on top of everything she does she manages grandma’s health too. All without a thank you or you’re appreciated.
This past Christmas put everything into perspective. My mom coordinated with my siblings to all go in on a super expensive gift for him for Christmas. An item he really really wants. The effort he put into her gift? ZERO, he got her absolutely nothing. I spoke to him privately prior to gift exchange about what he got my mom, claiming well I buy her nice anniversary & birthday gifts isn’t that enough? I see the disappointment my mom feels on her face and it hurts me. She doesn’t get “just because flowers” from him. It’s like he sees her as just a person to take care of him and home.
This has been their whole relationship not just after the affair, but prior to it too. So although I absolutely do not condone cheating, I can understand why she did what she did back then. I get sad thinking of my mom and how she takes care of everyone but the person who is supposed to take care of her doesn’t do that. I catch myself thinking occasionally “they should really just get divorced”
I have learned over the years to really cherish my mom, so even if he doesn’t spoil her, I do. Take her on mini weekend trips, we go to out of town concerts together. I try to buy her small just thinking of you gifts so she can feel appreciated and loved.