Throwaway account because if my colleagues or my mother-in-law find out my husband is a literal bed-shitter, I think I will just jump down my BTO.
Guys, I am at my wits’ end. I really cannot tahan anymore. I love my husband (35M). He is a good man, provides for the family, brings me out to eat nice things, and helps with the house chores. But he has one massive, literally shitty flaw: he pang sai (poops) in his sleep. Every. Single. Night.
It started about three months ago. I woke up at 3 AM smelling something foul, like a dead rat mixed with fermented belachan. Turned on the bedroom lights, and my God, the disaster zone. I thought it was just a one-off food poisoning incident from the questionable cockles we had at Newton Food Centre. So I bo bian (no choice), let it slide. I woke his blur face up, hosed him down in the toilet, and threw the bedsheets into the washing machine.
But then it happened the next day. And the next. And it hasn’t stopped since.
Do you guys know the sheer logistics of dealing with adult feces every morning?
- The Utilities: My SP bill is through the roof. The washing machine is running 24/7.
- The Supplies: I am buying Dettol and Dynamo from NTUC like I’m hoarding for Circuit Breaker 2.0.
- The Collateral Damage: We had to throw away our $3,500 Sealy Posturepedic mattress because the biohazard seeped straight into the memory foam.
We are currently sleeping on a cheap $199 IKEA mattress wrapped in three layers of waterproof hospital-grade mattress protectors. Every time either of us shifts in bed, it sounds like we are wrestling inside a giant NTUC plastic bag. Zero romance. Only trauma.
I dragged him to the polyclinic, and got a referral to a specialist at SGH. They did all the tests—colonoscopy, ultrasound, blood tests. Everything came back perfectly normal! The specialist just shrugged and said it could be “stress” or a “temporarily weak sphincter.” Weak sphincter your head!
I have tried everything to stop the 4 AM chocolate rain:
- Dietary Restrictions: I banned him from eating McSpicy, Mala Hotpot, and even normal cai png curry after 5 PM. Strictly clear soup and steamed fish. Didn’t work.
- TCM: Brought him to a sinseh who prescribed him some bitter black herbal soup that cost $80 a pop to “balance his chi.” Still shat the bed.
- Adult Diapers: I finally went to the pharmacy and bought Tena adult diapers. You think he willingly wear? He complained it was “too hot” and “emasculating.” We fought until I threatened to show his mother the stained bedsheets. He finally wore it. But this guy sleeps like a dead pig! He will unconsciously scratch his backside in his sleep, pull the diaper aside, and let loose on the mattress anyway!
I am severely sleep-deprived and on the verge of a mental breakdown. I feel less like a wife and more like a 24/7 toilet cleaner for a grown adult. Has ANYONE dealt with this before? Is there a super-specialist for this kind of nonsense? Or should I just buy a foldable army cot and lock him in the bomb shelter every night?
Please help me before I check myself into IMH.