Life seems great on the surface but I feel lonely
Making this emo rant post at 4am because I feel like I don’t have anyone that I’d actually want to send this to IRL.
I’m a freshman staying in one of the RCs. Was really excited for university after ORD-ing, went for orientation camps, got to know a decent amount of people. Even had an orientation group that was pretty tight at the start of the sem. Spent lots of time with that group that I was comfortable with.
Lots of fun partying while studying stuff that I really enjoyed (and doing pretty decently tbh). I’d say that up til a few weeks ago, I was truly happy. As someone who had a really tough time fitting in back in secondary school because of social anxiety and just general social awkwardness, I felt like I was finally fitting in and making friends for once. Uni was a chance to reset and become someone new. And kind of make up for all the fun I’d missed out on when I was younger.
In the last few weeks, I feel like the initial group I started out with has settled into their own groups that they’re more comfortable with (and that’s great for them, I’m not salty), while I kind of haven’t found my group of friends. It’s like everyone has figured where they fit in while I’m still kinda lost. I’m not a “phantom” in my RC, I’m reasonably well-known? Lots of hi-bye friends, but I don’t think I have many people who are friends that I can really hang out with consistently or have heart to heart talks with. I’m an introvert and I appreciate having downtime, but lately it’s felt more and more lonely and isolating. It feels like I didn’t make as much progress as I thought I did and deep down I’m still the same insecure socially awkward guy.
Building new relationships (both platonic and romantic) feels so intimidating to me. I’m someone who basically “falls” into friendships and relationships, meaning I don’t really know how to start things unless people initiate. Things were better in JC tbh, because I guess we had more “enforced” groups? Whereas now it’s so hard to get chances to meet new people. I feel like all my attempts to make friends have just gotten me new hi-bye friends rather than anything meaningful, and it doesn’t help that I’m really not the best with initiating texting people. All this stuff is just kind of underlying my overall low mood right now.
The nail in the coffin is probably the fact that I started crushing on someone recently and built up the courage to ask her out for a meal. She seemed enthusiastic at first but not so much after we actually hung out, which has really been a bummer because this is pretty much the first girl that made me want to try dating again since my breakup. That’s probably for the best though, the fact that I’m making this rant now shows that I’m really not in any state to start a relationship now.
I’m still turning up to school social events and parties, and I’m having fun at them usually, but the socializing there, while fun and pleasant, feel so transient and temporary and they don’t really seem to amount to any lasting friendships.
Anyway yeah, TLDR is that my social life feels hella depressing and I don’t know what to do about it. I feel kind of empty and isolated. I can’t even blame the fact that I’m “not staying on campus” HAHA. I’m not like some phantom or a creep that no one wants to talk to (or maybe I am and I have no self awareness who the f knows), but I just don’t really have many meaningful relationships here and I can’t seem to build any.
Anyway it’s week 12 and there are probably more pressing academic matters to be dealt with, but I guess I just needed to vent.