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Saturday, December 3, 2022


Wife forces herself to vomit to avoid gaining weight during pregnancy


Please help. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

My wife and I (29M) have been together for 11 years since we were both in JC, and finally got married in 2019. Currently, she is pregnant and nearing the end of her second trimester.

Since young, she has always suffered with confidence and self-esteem issues, and they were mainly about her weight. She is slim (about 48kg and 160cm if anyone is curious) but have always called herself fat. For many of our dates, I’m the only one eating while she just orders coffee. This has been going on even before 11 years ago, so nothing new. She counts her calories, and does both restrictive eating and binge eating. Sometimes she goes on water diets (0 calories for 1 week straight), sometimes she does a “500-calorie per day” diet, and sometimes she eats so much to the point she is so bloated.

Overall, everything was considered ok. She is a very cheerful person and not the type to dwell on negative feelings too much. Since her disordered eating and ‘extreme’ dieting was the ‘norm’, it didn’t affect her too much. She still mostly ate whatever she wanted, but just restricted either the portion or the number of meals per day. Again, all these are nothing new and have been happening for years.


The first trimester was ok. She didn’t gain much. But by the second trimester, that was when shit really went down. So far, she has gained about 5kg. She cries every time she steps onto her weighing scale, and has been starving herself. She hates herself so much right now for having cravings and strong urges to binge eat. She is also very disgusted with how her pregnant body looks, and forces herself to vomit as well (she did purge during her uni days, but have since stopped and only relied on restrictive eating to control her weight. Now she has started purging again).

To put things into perspective, someone with her BMI should ideally gain about 25KG. We are at our 6th month of the pregnancy and she has gained only 5kg. She’s worried that her actions may greatly affect the fetus’ health and development and has been trying to stop starving herself. However, she cries almost everytime she has to eat. I’m so worried for her and her mental health. The expectations placed upon her from my parents, her body changes, increased cravings, etc. also makes things worse. Her personality has completely made a 180 degree turn and she has become generally disengaged, depressed, lethargic, and has lost interest in many of her hobbies.

Honestly, I wish she just aborted the baby during the first trimester. We should have seen this coming. I guess she felt pressured by both our parents and maybe societal standards to have children after marriage. But she is and has always been my number one priority. I don’t care if we never have a child, so long as she is okay. I can’t stand seeing her like this. It pains me to think that she has to suffer everyday and that she is no longer her cheerful and bubbly self. Her dieting is even more extreme than the ones before her pregnancy, and I hate that she has started purging again. I’m really worried for her and the baby. She is lethargic and weak almost everyday, and honestly I’m surprised she hasn’t miscarried yet. She cries everyday, and normally she rarely even cries. If I’m being REALLY honest, a small part of me wishes that she’d just miscarry so that this whole ordeal will be over.

I am planning to get a vasectomy some time this year, so that this never happens again. It’s a reversible procedure anyway, so if she does get better and wants a child, we still can. I’m also planning to WFH more if my boss allows, as we prepare for the bigger incoming shitstorm that’s about to hit in the third trimester. I also don’t want her to be alone at home, even if that means taking a hiatus from working to be there for her (we have plenty of savings in our emergency fund so it should suffice for a while).

This whole situation is screwed up to say the least. Any comforting words or advice are appreciated

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