Today is my daughter’s 10th birthday, and sadly she doesn’t even know I exist.
One year after graduation, I met this wonderful girl and we clicked instantly. It only took a few months before we’re together officially. 3 months after we got together, she got pregnant.
Panicked and feeling totally unprepared to be a husband and father, I asked her to abort the baby. She said we could afford it and insisted on keeping it, and that led to numerous heated arguments that caused the breakdown of our relationship. I was torn, I didn’t want the baby, but I couldn’t bear to lose her, so I didn’t break up with her immediately. Selfish and young me thought of the things that I might need to give up if I were to have the child, like I could no longer travel and go out with friends as and when I wanted, I’d have no time and less money to spend on my hobbies, and my career progression might be delayed. Also, I was hesitant about marrying someone I only knew for a few months, not sure if we’re really compatible, if we both could live peacefully together and gave our baby a loving environment to grow up in. For months I was in denial that this is happening and was so consumed by my own worries and fears, I ended up being absent throughout her pregnancy and decided to break up with her when she was eight months pregnant. She still messaged me on the day she gave birth, saying she wanted me to see and hold our baby because she believed it will change my mind. But I chose to ignore her.
A year later, a mutual friend attended my daughter’s birthday party and told me how adorable and smart she has grown, and all of a sudden I felt immensely guilty and regretful for not being there for my own child. So I attempted to reconnect with my ex, but she refused to meet me. She said I had never been there for her during her toughest days when she needed me the most, and I had never contributed a single cent, what’s the point of letting such a heartless and irresponsible person back into her life now? She said I’m as good as dead, and she and our baby were thriving and happier without me. She then blocked me everywhere. I even went to the extent of dropping by her place to find her, but her parents chased me away and said I’m a horrible person and they’d never accept me as part of their family.
Recently, I found out she is now happily married to a rich startup owner and has a pair of twins with him. Meanwhile, I’ve been on dating app for years and still haven’t found anyone that compares to her. I still remember vividly how comfortable and loved she made me feel, how we both were so happy just doing simple stuff together like cooking and watching shows. I can sense most of my dates are only after my money and don’t genuinely care about me. I’ve been progressing quickly in my career and enjoy comfortable salary, I have freedom to travel anywhere and money to buy anything I want, and I’m moving into my own place soon, but I still feel so empty. Since my peers are mostly married with kids by now and busy with their own families, I barely have anyone to hang out with and I start yearning for a family of my own. Deep inside I feel perhaps I get bad karma for abandoning my partner and child 10 years ago. Perhaps the universe will never grant me another child and I will die alone, I guess I deserve it. I deeply regretted my decision back then and will live in guilt for the rest of my life. Each year on my daughter’s birthday, I will think of her and cry myself to sleep. How can you miss someone so much when you never even meet them?
To anyone dealing with unplanned pregnancy, I hope my story will enlighten you. Please make your decision wisely. Unless there are medical reasons, financial difficulties, or irreconcilable differences as a couple, please try your best to work things out with your partners, bring your child to this world and be there for them.
Anyway, will just leave a note for my ex here since she was from NUS and may follow this page.
Dear A,
I guess by now my apology won’t matter anymore, but I still want to say I’m very sorry. I should never have left you and our daughter and gave up on us. I’m glad you now have a big happy family that you’ve always wanted. I still care for you and our daughter and I really look up to you for being such a capable mother. If our paths ever cross
again and we are fated to be together again, maybe in another life, I promise to be a better man for you.
Love,
S